Uma o'Gil presents:
"Now who is it I can now see with my little eye -no, not that one you filthy mind- enjoying a stroll with Socially Pitiable Dyslexic Martin Connolly? ...Could it be Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham? could it?? Rrrrr, Paula you femme fatale you!! Wouldn't kick her out of bed myself if she-Actually noooo... No actually, I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure it is her now... May not be Paula Brummingham after all. ... Can anyone confirm? Confirm / deny? Is it Paula or not? Try as I might, I can't see shit through this garden hedge! 'Feckers 'grown it just to hide their guests from us! ..... Ah well, then maybe not on second thought. Hmm. Let's say it isn't Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham. Could it be Tallaght transvestite Dickless Tracey then? Hmmmm, neither I don't think so... (Godfeckindammit, can anyone come to my assistance here!!) Now saddle me on a pushbike with a KwikSave groceries bag and drop me at your Nan viewers, but I'm afraid I can't recognise the young lady presently shaking her money-maker next to Society Sanctioned Connolly! How annoying. ...Any idea as to whom she may be, hired help Belinda?"
-Belinda: "Woh-oh Derek, hold your horse here! You're -like- putting me on a hot spot! That blonde wan with the poxy heels and the boring fur knickers? -Well 'feck me in a hole if I can tell who she is! Now then, let's try though...
'Is not Wild Child Lara Trompton-Mewsley is it? No. This one's not kicking any foreign waitress. Maybe Sizzling Rehab Breakout Saskia Cahill? No, neither: can't see no joint dangling from any part of her body... It wouldn't be Senator Marie Curzcnak, would it? "Clothes Show" presenter Eimear Callahan? Sunday Tabloid Front-Pager Niamh o'Namara? Euro Crumpet Maria Vilverde de San Antonio (y Chupas a Gogo)? I'm literally wrecking me brains here, Derek! Can't think of who on Earth -or Dublin town- she could possibly be, it's doing me bonce in something proper!
Well I suppose... at the end of the day, we'll just have to -Oh. My. God.- Oh my God a thought just occurred to me Derek. Surely, surely it couldn't be... it couldn't be? ... Could your woman be ...a nobody??" (horrified gasp)
-Derek: "Ah don't be being silly now Bels, let me remind you this is a sombre occasion here -I'll tell you what though, we'll leave it at that and pretend that I myself -Derek Whelan at your service ladies 'n gentlemen- have been left floundering for once. ... Only joking! I'm sure one of our inside people working the staff will be able to find out her name. Capisce? There's a tenner in the offing."
-Belinda: "What an inspired suggestion, Derek! Like -totally fresh yeah! A tenner to the good and make it double quick, people -But you know what, Derek? All of a sudden I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking there is NO WAY Blondie here can be a downclass though. Hear me out, yeah? If she actually managed to get in in the first place, she must be like -you know- ...worth it? Well worth and connected! ....Know what I mean? (wink wink)"
-Derek: "By the Bono you must be right Bels lass! The very least she must have got up to to gain admission must have been -ooh I don't know- sleep with half the security! A-ha!! Have we found ourselves a sexscandal or what? Live on TTE! Just fancy that, viewers: a steamy sordid sexscandal in this day of all days! Eros and tornadoes! Could this be for real??"
-Belinda: "Oooh, deadly, see me -I'm shivering all over! Who on Earth could be so sexmad and determined? Who? Who could be so outrageous? This is like... so totally!"
-Derek: "Couldn't agree more Belinda. But obviously mustn't get carried away. Would hate to speak out of turns. Huh huh. Not me, not Derek Whelan. Cos' remember Belso, we at TTE have a mission to uphold, standards to maintain. Our valued viewers look up to us -and that's what makes us the winners that we are"
-Belinda: "Well said, that!"
-Derek: "and what our valued viewers know, it's that we don't want to be bringing the tone down on this day of all days, we can't possibly insist on this shocking sexscandal -oh no, our viewers' probity is too much of a credit to us. So you see Belinda, if it turns out there is indeed any jumped-up hanky-panky going on at McDermot mansion well... Well we'll just have to be mature about it Belinda. That's what we'll content ourselves with doing: we'll just be mature about it. Whose business it is and how often they're at it, where does it take place and what sick fantasies are being enacted -that's for our respected host to deal with. We're mere observers and have a duty to suspend judgement on this perverted upstart. She managed to get in -fair play to her.
Because at TTE, we take our mission seriously, very seriously indeed. And I think you will agree"
-Belinda: "Oh, I agree Derek that"
-Derek: "-Hang on sweetchops I'm not finished- I think you will agree our viewers need to be informed don't they. They need to be informed, as is only right and proper for any self-respecting news outlet -and mark my words, TTE is that kind of responsible news outlet. Our viewers need to be told what's what / who's who. More to the point, they need to know what's going on within these private walls, and what the other channels keep them in the dark about. Like who the hell this slapper is; what sordid details she got up to -and whether she'll have the decency to attend the fecking mass!
Now then Belinda, mull this over for a second... Wouldn't you say I have a point here?"
-Belinda: "Like totally, Derek!"
-Derek: "Good girl yourself. So what I suppose I'm saying here is... What I'm saying here is this: let's our reason keep, and let's -for the sake of the argument- apprehend the current situation this way" (pause) "OK, so let's accept this foxy peroxide blonde has indeed been squeezing the vinegar strokes out our very own dyslexic Marty -as is her absolute right in a free country- ...then, then let me ask you this Belinda. If that's the shocking case, who knows what else is going on out there? What else under our very noses and treacherously hidden away from our viewers! The mind boggles. Still and let's be crystal clear Belinda, it is my firm and solemn belief it is our responsibility -nay our duty- to inform on such matters -and that's out of respect for our audience."
-Belinda: "Right on Derek. We sure are duty bounded and that's the TTE pledge."
/ Deep sigh, let it pass. Can't be seen to twitch, let's pretend I haven't heard that bit. /
"Oh but isn't it... The Man Himself? leading his famous castrated panda up the garden path?"
-Derek: "Eh? Who's that?"
-Belinda: "The scourge of celebrities! You know him already: Baz Guhrnam!! What's he doing here, I would of thought that he was banned!*"
* Bernard "Baz" Guhrnam, born 04/28/71 in Melbourne (Australia), founder of the "Capit'all" paparazzi photo agency. Guhrnam first came to prominence with his aggressive chasing of celebrities for "gonzo" stolen pictures. Credited with inventing the "snatch-it" genre through his own notorious celebrity magazine/website "Snatch", specializing in snapshots of harassed celebrities, often taken in highly personal circumstances (including in bathrooms), on the grounds that celebrities are by definition public property. Another notorious feature of Guhrnam's publications: engineered scuffles between the aforementioned celebrities and camera wielding "Snatch" employees. Although highly criticised, Guhrnam's magazine enjoyed continued and spectacular commercial success; it grew in aggression and scope (targeting politicians as well as athletes and artists) in spite of -or thanks to- high profile court cases. "Snatch" spawned "Puss" and "Chick", similar kinds of publications devoted to celebrities' offspring -often as young as a few days old. Its success inspired a wave of derivative and often anonymous publications/websites that in turn fell foul of the law, leading to drastic changes in the Irish legislation. Guhrnam's death (31/13/07), although officially attributed to drug-related causes, has been the subject of controversy in its own right, with his estate and conspiracy websites claiming he had been the subject of foul play.
-Derek: "Ah but you see Bels, your man Baz is a celebrity in his own right, truth be told: why, he sells millions, he's got every right! Besides, and I should like to imagine, better have him on your side than on your back right? (cough cough). The antipodean maverick eh... I like to think of him as a lovable rogue myself! See Belinda, Mads inviting him is probably a highly clever move: she may want to keep herself in the self-proclaimed King Of Yellow Slebreporting's good books, right? Makes perfect sense to me -surely your man won't be biting the proverbial hand. Fair play to her says I!"
-Belinda: "Fair play to you Derek. I'm not convinced though... His presence looks kinda fishy and dead queer to me... Funny looking fellow he is.
Ah what do I know eh, it's not like -say straight off me head- I would had ever got snapped sharing a man's toilet by one of his trash-can botherers did I? Only kidding, folks. Only kidding. I'm not called Helen.
Anyway! I like your man's pink DocMartens though -they're quite sexy actually. Very Dragon on a Saturday night. Talking of invites," (silly giggles) "-and maybe I shouldn't mention this but...- funny how I don't see Michael O'Leary or Heather McCartney anywhere... Could it be they didn't get an invite? Who would have thought!"
-Derek (giggling himself): "Oh but you're a terrible girl Belinda Savage so you are! Now then, let's not go there!"
-Belinda: "No let's not go there"
-Derek: "Let's not go there. Phew! Close shave. Oh my oh my... Michael O' Leary eh... Talk about bringing the tone down... (!!!) But you know what Belinda, I have to point something out though, with all this commotion, this highly entertaining chit-chat we've been treating our viewers to -I almost got thinking me, I have to point out there's just one thing..."
-Belinda: "Yes Derek, what is it?"
-Derek: "Well actually and believe it or not ...We still haven't caught a glimpse of the widow herself!!"
-Belinda: "Ohmygod you are so right here Derek, I nearly forgot myself about our Mads! Poor old Mads eh... Our one and only! The queen of the show! The one we've all been waiting for! Where must she be? 'She ready yet? 'She having her hair done or what? I wonder what must go through her mind at this stage of the game obviously she must be utterly devastated and she'll take one day at a time it never rains but pours thankfully time is a great healer -But seriously though. But seriously. What must she be thinking right now eh, do you reckon she's still in shock Derek? Do you think she'll ever recover? Obviously things will never be the same and there's only one Dougal"
-Derek: "Fergus"
-Belinda: "there's only one Fergus hopefully she'll find the strength, she'll find the strength to face up face up and gather herself for her guests put on a brave show who must be really wondering by now. They must be wondering what the feck she's up to and I'd say myself she must be chomping at the bit literally chomping at the bit to get on with it and let's get this show on the road isn't that right what do you think Derek?"
/ Get ready to switch to camera 3 on the signal... /
-Derek: "Funny you should say that Belzo, for look here but who's making her entrance right now... None other but talk about perfect timing!"
/ You heard the man... /
"Looking -I have to say- absolutely fabulous, here comes the widow walking up the garden path. 'Much as we can make out through this bleeding foliage, she looks every inch the perfect A-lister that she is -Class eh, 'simply can't buy it!"
-Belinda: "Mads is wearing a Jimy Chou hand-knit woolly dress, Donna Coran pecari hide handbag, Bukkake handkerchief up her left sleeve, vintage Tibetan chihuahua under her right elbow and two Rothko double-laced no-heels flat shoes"
-Derek: "I say Belinda, how impressive, don't be showing off now!"
-Belinda: "...or so my cards tell me."
-Derek: "(cough cough) I'm sure you're right here, I'm sure you're right! Perfect eyesight more like, perfect eyesight has our Belinda! Cos' you know what, folks? Cos' on the money -that's where we like to be at TTE! Spot-on and first with the news! All the thrills, spills, and accurate hair-products. We hope of course to be able to corner Mads later and get her very first reaction to her impressions -some hell of an exclusive not to be missed I dare say- but for the moment, for the time being she's only doing the sympathy rounds chatting to her card-accredited well-wishers -aren't they the lucky ones...
Now here's the deal. Here's the deal, lucky viewers. We ourselves may not be deployed on the ground, that is the Garden of Serenity and McFergus Enterprises Ltd ...we still have a right deadly joker up our very sleeve!"
-Belinda: "Have we?"
-Derek: "We have!"
-Belinda: "Tell us more oh Derek!" (claps her little hands)
-Derek: "If you insist Belinda. Now our viewers all know how much we hate blowing our own trumpet at TTE -oh no we don't- but the fact is, we have ourselves an absolute killer in store for yous we have, a -like- totally lethal surprise that will simply blow your collective socks off. 'Yous ready yet? So get this: yous need not fear missing out on any of the action ...for we have managed to get ourselves a lip-reader that'll decipher them condolences!!"
-Belinda: "No?!>?
-Derek: "Yes!!!"
-Belinda "Far out Derek! This is like... -so totally! Fair play to you Derek! You've done it again big man!"
-Derek: "Why thank you Belinda, much obliged, and why don't you hang around after the show, come and see me later heh heh -anyhoo indeed we have, esclusively for TTE, a literally actual lip-reader that can read lips! How about that eh. 'Must say, I ain't half pleased with it, only goes to show we're right on the ball here at "Social Funeral"! Make no mistake, no expenses cut for us oh no, no corner's shaved when it comes to treat our valued viewers -so stick it up your pipe, ya RTE! It's one-nil to the TTE!
Now then. Now then let's get to it -let's get down to business. Hello lip-reader, welcome to the program and your name is...?"
-Gassarian: "Emir Gassarian."
-Derek: "?? Gassarian that's..." (laughing) "Doesn't sound quite Irish does it? 'Take it you weren't born within the walls of Rathmines were you now?"
-Gassarian: "Actually Derek, I live here -what...- twenty years at least. My parents originally emigrated from"
-Derek: "OK OK I'm sure they were right to so... Gossarian -since Gossarian it is- ...what can you tell us 's happening there? What are the guests saying? Here, take my binos -they're only lethal, they're Bigleux Binoculars- Start with those at the centre if you please, near the gold plated cherub statue"
-Gassarian: "Right. Now let me see....... Hmm.... hmm... right... hmm... OK. Well Derek, see this gentleman here, with the red feather boa and the green suit"
-Belinda: "I think you'll find that's TVfunnyman Damian. I think he's quite sexy actually."
-Gassarian: "Right then, TVfunnyman Damian, well he just was after saying to Madleen "I'm very sorry for your loss.""
-Derek: "Did he now?"
-Gassarian: "He did, and then repeated himself: "Oh yes, very sorry for your loss"; he's now added "My heart goes out to you.""
-Belinda: "Really? Not even a quick joke?"
-Gassarian: "None that I can see. Maybe you would like to hear what Madleen replied?"
-Derek: "By all means Grossarian, you go ahead."
-Gassarian: "She said "Why, thank you kindly Damo.""
-Belinda: "Huh that's just sh"
-Derek: "fanTAStic! That's just fantastic! Isn't it amazing, dear viewers? Isn't it heart-warming? to be able to penetrate the intimacy of your favourite stars -Don't know about you Bels', but I think it's just fab. It really brings it home: you can almost hear our Mads choking back her tears, it's like yous and me are right there in her sad little face! "Why, thank you kindly" that's just.. marvellous. So down to earth, no airs and graces for her eh -Totally levelling with common people is our Mads! Why, thanks a million Grozarian, good work that -and any more exciting revelation for us? What 'they saying now, what's the word on the mourning catwalk? Do tell us, we're all ears!"
-Gassarian: "Right er....... Miss Koszak is now saying to the 40-something lady in the leather tutu "How lovely to see you... how simply wonderful. Glad you could rake it -rake it??"
-Derek: "Fantastic! Isn't it fantastic dear viewers? Such humility, such grace -that's our Mads alright, 'right trooper she is, man of the people like, with a kind word for everyone and a nice gesture for each of them -What gas it must be for her guests, no wonder she got voted "the nicest person in the whole world" at our recent style awards -your woman's a class act pure and simple."
-Belinda: "She's the people's Personality she is!"
-Derek: "Amen to that! Ah yes, must admit I admire the hell out of her"
-Belinda: "Too right you are, Derek! She's like... tiptop! Couldn't have happened to a nicer soul!"
-Derek: "Couldn't indeed -It's me opinion and I'll stick by it! Ah yes, in these sad sad days of no manners, no manners and crass vulgarity, Mads "Madleen" Koszak stands out like the proverbial bacon of light and we could do worse -much worse- than take example on her is what I says. But back to our exclusive revelations live on TTE, tell us oh tell us er... Rozarian (??) -what 'she saying now? Our teleobjective shows her in deep converse with the holy man, what 'she telling him now? We're dying to know!"
-Gassarian: "Well Derek she er...... Couldn't quite catch the start of her sentence but... something about getting it (?) over and done with double quick, she's already late, needs to dash off to Sky TV for an inte"
-Derek: "Thank you that will be all! I think the last thing we need right now we don't want to intrude into Mads's private grief at this difficult juncture in her life this stage of the game and I guess I suppose you need to learn it'd do you good respect people's grief Gozzarian and show a little bit more respect that is if you don't mind some common decency our very own Queen of hearts she is after all -the People's favourite so."
...
-Gassarian: "Er sure... Sure, unquestionably. I certainly didn't mean to"
-Derek: "Thankyou. Thankyou that will be all. And I think that -actually as chance has it- I think we'll take a break now, we'll take a break -But stay with us yes, stay with TTE for we'll be right back -that's myself, Derek Whelan and Belinda Savage- we'll be right back after the news. So don't be switching off now, plenty more to come where these came from, but first... first the headlines with Clio Hartbyrne. Clio."
-Clio: "Derek.
*****
"The news headlines at fifteen past on TTE. In an announcement made less than 24 hours ago set to rock the music world to its very foundations, it has been suggested that the Spice Girls are considering reforming for a Greatest Tits tour. When asked about the possibility of seeing the most respected group in musical history since the Beatles come and perform the likes of "Lovin' me Lovin' me", "Let's Go Shopping" and "Wham Bam Moo" in Dublin anytime soon, a spokesman for their bank was understandably coy and refused to elaborate, insisting that any chance of this taking place in the foreseeable future had to be judged on its own merit.
It's official: Anna Nicole Smith will be buried next to her son. The pneumatic super -super- supermodel who recently sensationally died will be buried next to her son, a judge has decided. More on this, and the judge's actual name, exclusively in our news bulletin at three.
Officially Sexiest 63-going-on-65 Woman In The World Helen Mirren will battle it out with Dame Judi over two drama Baftas this evening in London. Helen Mirren is hotly tipped to beat the old crow.
Sport now, and Manchester United are preparing for the first leg of their semi-quarter preliminary finals of the HMV McDonald's MasterCard Euro DisneyWorld Championship DeLuxe against Sporting Katowice -the Red Devils are said to be feeling reasonably confident. However, manager Sir Alex Ferguson stressed the need to "take each game as they come" and "show the opponents respect". Manchester United are twenty to one on to win the tie.
Saint Mary Joseph Orphanage childabuse sexscandal latest: priests deny any involvement in the alleged rape, abuse, molestation, sexual exploitation, assault, beating, starving and otherwise general mistreatment of hundreds of mentally ill patients over a period of fifty years. The government ordered an open inquiry to look into the matter for the delectation of the general public -more details of the case to follow shortly.
The weather this morning: generally sunny with frequent showers, early frost might be expected at some stage. Night to fall later.
Last night's Lottery numbers: 0, 6, 9, 33, 62, 64, 70, 89, and 98. No winner has been declared yet.
All that coming up in just some moments' time, but first, very quickly, the rest of the news headlines: "The World In 30 Seconds".
The Iraq fuckup. Following Saddam's hanging, President W has declared himself "very happy"" (excerpt from a press conference by the President of the United States of America: "I am very happy.") -Our political commentator Sean Doherty to commentate on what W's enigmatic comment could possibly mean. Meanwhile, UK Prime Minister Tony wasted no time in commending President W's optimism for the future of Iraq (excerpt from Tony Blair's press conference: "And I say this onto you I want to make this very clear of this there can be no doubt no doubt whatsoever from every fibre of my heart since this is the people's Prime Minister speaking that we've always been very clear on this we need to send a strong message and a clear signal for in a very real sense and this I desperately believe -this is what it's all about.")
Stem cells debate: thebushadministration has forbidden the use of stem cells in medical research and has warned scientists the world over against their possible involvement in this godless technology. This will not be tolerated.
Inflation at an all-time high in Ireland: after the 0.2 % barrier was breached, the Opposition has accused the government of "driving this country to the dogs" and is calling for early elections.
Earthquake strikes in India: thousands feared dead, millions homeless.
And finally, global warming controversy: global warming has been hotly denied by some sources.
More on the Saint Mary Joseph Orphanage childabuse sexscandal and the rest of the news -at three o'clock on TTE. Moira."
*****
-Moira: "Clio. And that was the news headlines at two thirty. We now return to our main feature, "The Social Funeral Of The Week", with our special commentator Derek Whelan and his bus-based reporter Belinda Savage. Well. Let's hope that our special reporter is switched on today and doesn't get her A-listers mixed up again I mean... it's not like a certain someone would ever -for example- forget the name of Wazza's current toy boy would she?"
-Belinda: "Ooh-er, the dorrty cow! Just because that one escaped me momentarously, big fecking deal yeah! And where were you, Moira the great, during that seminal fashion moment when Naomi In Person slipped on the catwalk and nearly stumbled? Do remind us who it was that was on hand to report on this story!"
-Moira: "Well I... Funny you should mention that, dear ginger roots, because I actually have Nams on my very own "Haute Couture Against Racism Exposé Special" next month! She like happens to be one of my very best friends so -Nams and I, we go wayyy back, 'hear that sugarcheeks? Oops. Sorry. Didn't mean to let your oral specialty out of the bag!"
-Derek: "Ladies ladies, do stop it now! This very moment! ...or else I will just start to enjoy it. Hmm, right, yous do realise this is all an act, viewers? 'Bit of panto! Our Bels and Minnie here -they get on great like a schoolbus on fire they do! Isn't that right ladies?"
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