they're dropping like flies!

RIP Steven Wells, legendary NME "critic" usually found foaming at the mouth. It's hard to believe it now, in these days when the NME is edited by a twelve year old whose favourite albums are -and I quote- "The Beatles' greatest hits and Nirvana "never mind" (sic)"- but there was once a time when the NME meant something.*
Anyhoo, S. Wells was the one writer a certain someone would always look up first thing on the Weds. morning.
....Quite a few expletives were usually likely to be found during the course of Wells's customary pieces.

Loving dat BigBrother yoke: isn't it unmissable that all of the objects of hate by the inmates come from cultures alien to the English Isles? (quick geographical note here: yes, the island of Ireland is situated in what is officially "the English Isles" so be it)?
Quite clearly, the only original/different/unpredictable inmates here are not English-acclimatised: Shree the Indian and Angel the Russian ...as well as Feckwit the Tory tosser. These two don't have the same references, they don't react the same predictable way, ...these two rock the cosy little boat composed of laaaaads and wanna "WAG"s (god do I hate this word).

Now what about your man you will object? For sure he is English is Feckwit ...but he is also from a different class, from a different viewpoint -and this is precisely why he's hated. Just listen to the actual reasons explicitly offered by that horrid horrid HORRID woman from Beuuuuuuuurmingham. Her likes resent him not so much because he's a tosser -which he undoubtedly is (it's so easy being idealistic and a would-be hippie when you're a millionaire)- ...but because he is different. Because he is culchured (check out the musical references on show here: they're quite telling.)

And we can't possibly have that can we.

Now then.
My other half (but he's a creep) forces me to mention the death of Farrah Fawcett (RIP) and quips my other half:
"there's been a lot of talk today about your man who was supposed to be so good to children and so forth but let me tell you... Farrah Fawcett -ha!-, she certainly gave me much more pleasure as a young boy growing up!"
...I am sure this must mean something.


Current expression we like: "I'm not sure..."
...It basically means "I don't know".


Stay kewl yous all!

*'musingly, Conor Something resigned his position that very day! ...to go and edit -you'll love this- the Daily Heil's polluporno mag "Top Gear". H'a!

A Frank Disclosure

Uma, in keeping with the MPs' latest bold move, has decided to come clean and will be completely frank: in these post 911 neo-Credit Crunch days she needs to be absolutely clear -literally- and send a strong message as well as a clear signal -like, totally-: she will admit to all her demeanours. All of them. Let's wipe the state (state??) slate clean and turn the page once and for all in these sad times where polit'calcorectness has gone mad and out of control so it has!

So here we go:

yes, I admit it, I did ******** -there, I said it. I did ***** **** *******, I did **** **** ******, I got ****** *** ********* *** ******* (Shabba!), I **** ******** ****, I **** ****
and I also ***** *** with *****, ****, whipped cream and strawberries (oh the smell...).

OK, I **** the ********: I committed it twice, and even ********* **** *** once (pity the dog if you will!)

Now If I need to address these ugly ugly ugly rumours that have redefined the term "baseless" and plagued me for as long as I can remember, I'll hold my hand up. I'm not afraid to address the question:

yes, it is true that I ********** a******************.

Just the one time or two (three in fact). I did.
But -and let me be absolutely clear on this as well as completely frank- it was only as a ****** ******** for me **** ***********, and not perfectly straight up the ******* ********!
I also ****** a ******* **** ***** at a ************% rate more than once (eight in total I think, over the course of ***** ********* so come on, gizzas a break).

What else,
oh yes I did get ************* ********* in the ********* ***** *** -this is a fact ...I am not too proud about it to be honest but it did happen. It did happen. But before yous all go judgemental, let me ask yous this. Let me ask you right?: put yourself in me shoes. Put yourself in me shoe and maintaining position, tell me frank. Tell me straight: what else would yous smarty pants have done eh?
Eh?
Right. So there.
Let he who shall cast a stone exit his glass house first.

Also.
(Might as well let it all out.)

Yes, I ****** **** *******.
Yes, I ************.
Yes, I **** ** ******** ******** ( and I even enjoyed it :-(( ).
Yes, I **** ********* **** a ****** ****** standing up against the **************** on the 1*th of M**ch 19** and got ***** ****** ***** right in the ******* *******.

As for disgraceful rumours of me ********** ************ ******* into a **************, all I can say is that they are grossly exaggerated! I only ********** *********** ************** ***** down the *************** ********** *************** with ******, ******, vinegar, ******, a vacuum cleaner, ******* **** -or so I thought at the time. Jaysus for crying out loud I was young and naive so I was, I only aimed to please!
Serves me right for being all candid and shite.

Finally I **************** *** *** ************* *********** *** ****** ** a dozen times at the most, no more . ************* ***** **** ****** the ***************************** *** or ********** ***** ****************** *** ** "woof woof!" ****** ******* ********* ** ** * ************** ******* *** ** (ouch) ************************************************** ************ ************************ ************* parsley and thine ********************************************************* a ************************************************ ***.

Did I really ***************** (hubba hubba!) *** ********* **** Des Lynam (oops) ********** ******** + ***** ************** ******? Read - my - lips: absolutely not!

********** **********, Richie McCaw, Norman Lamont, Harvey Keitel, ****** *******, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, ****** ************, Julian Clary, T*m C**se, J*hn T*******a, ******** *********, the office janitor, ***** **********, ***** *****, Anne Wyddecombe, ******* *********?
Maybe. But only in passing. Only affectionately like.

Finally, **************************** ****** ******* ** ****************************
******************************************* ***************'s ********************* ***************************************************************** ************* ************ ***************************** ****** *************************** ************************************************************* * ***************** has to be my greatest shame (long sigh)
...but what 'you gonna do about it! What's done is done; the broom was there, it had to be put to good use.


So there yous are, dear friends. All done.
Ah, feel much better!

Books Books Books

-just about anything by Don DeLillo, my favourite living US writer -DeLillo has understood everything about modern life; start with "White Noise" "Mao II"

-in the goes-without-saying category: Brett Easton Ellis / Chuck Palahniuk / Michel Houellebecq / Douglas Coupland / Paul Auster / Irvine Welsh

-Marguerite Duras (my favourite French writer) -but I don't know how she translates

-my personal hero Boris Vian -he was everything

-the -like- Dub, alcohol fuelled, B. Vian Flann o'Brien

-Alain Robbe-Grillet

-the admirable John Steinbeck "Cannery Row" "Tortilla Flat"

-the admirable George Orwell (did me thesis on him so I did!) "The Road To Wigan Pier"

-Faulkner (I like me Southern Gothic me)

-talking of, Paddy mcCabe

-Martin Amis "Money" "Time's Arrow" "Dead Babies"

-Fielding "Tom Jones" / Sterne "Tristram Shandy"

-Phil K. Dick

-Louis de Bernieres

-Jane Austen

-Jimmy Baldwin: "The Fire Next Time"

-Pierre Prevert / Raymond Queneau / Marcel Ayme

-"l'Honneur perdu de Pedonzigues"

-probably the most imaginative novel I came across: "The Book Of Danish Dreams"-Peter Hoegh

-John Irving (for ex. "The Cider House Rules")

-Dickens

-Kundera

-could never really get into Murakami though; read 3 of his always critically acclaimed novels but... it doesn't sound right.

-Zadie Smith "White Teeth"

-ABCD Pierre "Vernon God Little"

-Mary Roach "Stiff" -terrific stuff! need to read her latest one ("Bonk" or something)

-seminal study (even though I think he loses it in the 3rd part as he extrapolates the plots onto history in the making as if there were a predetermined / structured movement to history) "The Seven Basic Plots"-Christopher Brooke

-Joyce "Ulysses"

-Carson McCullers

-Pinter, my favourite playwright

-Joseph Heller "Catch 22" "Something Happened"

-frankly... could never get into Updike, I just can't; idem with Roth -I just don't care for his world.

-Russell Banks ("The Rule Of Bones")

-comics: Daniel Clowes ("Ghost World") / Bill Skenkiewicz / Dave McKean / Neil Gaiman ("Signal To Noise" "Cages" etc.)

-comics: the lovely Argentinian "Mafalda"

-comics: Reiser / the abominable Vuillemin

-the extraordinary Pierre Bayard "Who Killed Roger Ackroyd"

-Rimbaud

-"The Moon In The Gutter" -great baroque oddity of a filum too!

-bought but as yet unread: "The Testament Lost In Zaragossa" by this Polish guy

-idem with Bruno Schulz; always meant to get into him

a little fantaisie...

I am so tired and I can't see much further right now. Can't face the prospect of work tamara.

But the beauty of the Net is that -unfailingly- there'll be something, somewhere, that will tickle (my) fancy! Something to inspire and distract (me/you), something to make (me/you) bounce back. It's a grand feeling when you(/ I) make that kind of discovery...

Lin'kz!!!!!!!!!!!!1

To paraphrase two recent accute observers of modern American life, here is "some stuff that is kewl and doesn't suck". At Uma's Tower, we like:

-Chuck "Chuck" Palahniuk at http://chuckpalahniuk.net/

-Big Brother AMG!!!!!!!!!!!!1ROFLetc. at http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

-B3ta at http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/

-PopBitch at http://www.popbitch.com/board.html

-Guided By Voices at http://www.gbv.com/welcome.html

-Metaphilm at http://www.metaphilm.com/

-quantum world at http://www.newscientist.com/topic/quantum-world

-David LaChapelle at http://www.davidlachapelle.com/home.html

-the Jesus Lizard bassmonster at http://davidwmsims.wordpress.com/

-Smooooooth at the Onion: http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/smoove

-the great BabyBird at http://www.bad-pages.dk/

-Husker Du at http://members.tripod.com/~rastirling/husker/images.html

-Arthus-Bertrand's photos at http://www.yannarthusbertrand2.org/index.php?option=com_datsogallery&Itemid=27&func=detail&catid=3&id=984lang=fr&l=1280

-Phil K Dick covers at http://www.philipkdick.com/works_covers.html

-z-movies at http://www.nanarland.com/divers/divers.php?id=3

-Vogue at http://www.naomiklein.org/main

-Up the Dubs at http://dublinopinion.com/2007/07/20/reveries-of-a-solitary-walker-blessington-street-basin/

"Big Brother"'s back!

"Big Brother"... it's back!
Here Uma claps her little hands excitedly as she welcomes a, er, welcome break from politics: I mean, the banks swindling away billions (BILLIONS), Berlusconi being allowed at the helm of a country, the government imploding -who cares, right?
Right.
And so I await the arrival of the usual omnisexual, multicoloured, dead sincere, lower-meets-upper class, exhibitionists-with-a-secret-heart-of-gold. How long before "with me, what you see is what you get" / "I can't stand -like- backchatting and hypocrites"? Will we have another proud single mother who leaves her kid(s) behind in order to show how proud of them she is? And what about the screaming queen who hasn't officially "come out" yet?
Ooooh I can't wait! At long last something on the telly not featuring Jonathan Woss, Gordon Ramsay, Ricky (can't even pronounce his own name) Gervais, Glenda Gilson, Alan Carr, Jimmy Carr, Peter Mandelson, Dave "David" Cameron or Gerard Dipardiou in it.


Play Big Brother Bingo!!!!!

allow yourself a shot of Liebfraumilch every time you hear / spot:

-"I can promise you I'll bring a lot of fun to the house" extrovert claims to interviewer ...and turns into a damp squib after only a week

-"With me, etc." (see above)

-compulsive hair flicking / checking oneself into a mirror (at this stage, I usually adds "-but enough about the boys" ha ha ha ha ha ha)

-hardcore smoker gets the shivers; health freak in attendance dares point out the facts of healthy life. Smokers are up in arms, feel martyrised, and generally form an instant lobby.

-vegetarian -there always has to be one or two

-lesbitarian -there always has to (idem)

-body-builder -there always has to (ditto)

-sniff session in the diary room, as the pressure gets a little bit too much for a sensitive soul ...past the demanding two-hour greeting session on the first night. Coming down is so hard.

-paper like "The Guaradin" publishes unexpected piece on how pointless and -like- totally idiotistic "Big Brother" is ...next to a blog detailing every minute of it.

-"The Sun" and "The Star" quarrel over the program according to which is the official sponsor. It's then either complete gas or utter shite.

-inmate reveals that he/she once snogged a d-list sleb. (cf. Palahniuk's observation in "Rant" that we're no longer in the oft-mentioned "5 minutes of personal fame" age (yawwwwwn) ...but rather in the by proxy "once met a sleb" distinction age)

-resident joker plays prank on someone (preferrably weak) in order to test the water; some inmates are outraged and courageously make a big show of supporting the bedazzled simpleton who's been maybe splashed out or pissed on.

-inmate doesn't understand the rules of a challenge. Correction: inmates don't understand the rules of a challenge.

-"are they for real?" Fuckwit inmate -unfailingly male- expresses doubts as to the veracity of someone's pectoral balloon sized appendages. Feels the need to manually check for himself.

-Female inmate giggingly (is that a word?) lets him do so. Then whimpers that she would like them in fact bigger.

-whitened teeth (this year's sunglasses)

-inmate protests his innocence. Claims he/she has no gameplan, oh no, no gameplan whatsoever.

-amidst much yelping, someone tries to assert his/her authority ("come on guys (or even better: people)! let's do dis ting!") and instil some order. Father/mother figure alert.


...more at a later date!