"Big Brother"... it's back!
Here Uma claps her little hands excitedly as she welcomes a, er, welcome break from politics: I mean, the banks swindling away billions (BILLIONS), Berlusconi being allowed at the helm of a country, the government imploding -who cares, right?
Right.
And so I await the arrival of the usual omnisexual, multicoloured, dead sincere, lower-meets-upper class, exhibitionists-with-a-secret-heart-of-gold. How long before "with me, what you see is what you get" / "I can't stand -like- backchatting and hypocrites"? Will we have another proud single mother who leaves her kid(s) behind in order to show how proud of them she is? And what about the screaming queen who hasn't officially "come out" yet?
Ooooh I can't wait! At long last something on the telly not featuring Jonathan Woss, Gordon Ramsay, Ricky (can't even pronounce his own name) Gervais, Glenda Gilson, Alan Carr, Jimmy Carr, Peter Mandelson, Dave "David" Cameron or Gerard Dipardiou in it.
Play Big Brother Bingo!!!!!
allow yourself a shot of Liebfraumilch every time you hear / spot:
-"I can promise you I'll bring a lot of fun to the house" extrovert claims to interviewer ...and turns into a damp squib after only a week
-"With me, etc." (see above)
-compulsive hair flicking / checking oneself into a mirror (at this stage, I usually adds "-but enough about the boys" ha ha ha ha ha ha)
-hardcore smoker gets the shivers; health freak in attendance dares point out the facts of healthy life. Smokers are up in arms, feel martyrised, and generally form an instant lobby.
-vegetarian -there always has to be one or two
-lesbitarian -there always has to (idem)
-body-builder -there always has to (ditto)
-sniff session in the diary room, as the pressure gets a little bit too much for a sensitive soul ...past the demanding two-hour greeting session on the first night. Coming down is so hard.
-paper like "The Guaradin" publishes unexpected piece on how pointless and -like- totally idiotistic "Big Brother" is ...next to a blog detailing every minute of it.
-"The Sun" and "The Star" quarrel over the program according to which is the official sponsor. It's then either complete gas or utter shite.
-inmate reveals that he/she once snogged a d-list sleb. (cf. Palahniuk's observation in "Rant" that we're no longer in the oft-mentioned "5 minutes of personal fame" age (yawwwwwn) ...but rather in the by proxy "once met a sleb" distinction age)
-resident joker plays prank on someone (preferrably weak) in order to test the water; some inmates are outraged and courageously make a big show of supporting the bedazzled simpleton who's been maybe splashed out or pissed on.
-inmate doesn't understand the rules of a challenge. Correction: inmates don't understand the rules of a challenge.
-"are they for real?" Fuckwit inmate -unfailingly male- expresses doubts as to the veracity of someone's pectoral balloon sized appendages. Feels the need to manually check for himself.
-Female inmate giggingly (is that a word?) lets him do so. Then whimpers that she would like them in fact bigger.
-whitened teeth (this year's sunglasses)
-inmate protests his innocence. Claims he/she has no gameplan, oh no, no gameplan whatsoever.
-amidst much yelping, someone tries to assert his/her authority ("come on guys (or even better: people)! let's do dis ting!") and instil some order. Father/mother figure alert.
...more at a later date!
