Uma, in keeping with the MPs' latest bold move, has decided to come clean and will be completely frank: in these post 911 neo-Credit Crunch days she needs to be absolutely clear -literally- and send a strong message as well as a clear signal -like, totally-: she will admit to all her demeanours. All of them. Let's wipe the state (state??) slate clean and turn the page once and for all in these sad times where polit'calcorectness has gone mad and out of control so it has!
So here we go:
yes, I admit it, I did ******** -there, I said it. I did ***** **** *******, I did **** **** ******, I got ****** *** ********* *** ******* (Shabba!), I **** ******** ****, I **** ****
and I also ***** *** with *****, ****, whipped cream and strawberries (oh the smell...).
OK, I **** the ********: I committed it twice, and even ********* **** *** once (pity the dog if you will!)
Now If I need to address these ugly ugly ugly rumours that have redefined the term "baseless" and plagued me for as long as I can remember, I'll hold my hand up. I'm not afraid to address the question:
yes, it is true that I ********** a******************.
Just the one time or two (three in fact). I did.
But -and let me be absolutely clear on this as well as completely frank- it was only as a ****** ******** for me **** ***********, and not perfectly straight up the ******* ********!
I also ****** a ******* **** ***** at a ************% rate more than once (eight in total I think, over the course of ***** ********* so come on, gizzas a break).
What else,
oh yes I did get ************* ********* in the ********* ***** *** -this is a fact ...I am not too proud about it to be honest but it did happen. It did happen. But before yous all go judgemental, let me ask yous this. Let me ask you right?: put yourself in me shoes. Put yourself in me shoe and maintaining position, tell me frank. Tell me straight: what else would yous smarty pants have done eh?
Eh?
Right. So there.
Let he who shall cast a stone exit his glass house first.
Also.
(Might as well let it all out.)
Yes, I ****** **** *******.
Yes, I ************.
Yes, I **** ** ******** ******** ( and I even enjoyed it :-(( ).
Yes, I **** ********* **** a ****** ****** standing up against the **************** on the 1*th of M**ch 19** and got ***** ****** ***** right in the ******* *******.
As for disgraceful rumours of me ********** ************ ******* into a **************, all I can say is that they are grossly exaggerated! I only ********** *********** ************** ***** down the *************** ********** *************** with ******, ******, vinegar, ******, a vacuum cleaner, ******* **** -or so I thought at the time. Jaysus for crying out loud I was young and naive so I was, I only aimed to please!
Serves me right for being all candid and shite.
Finally I **************** *** *** ************* *********** *** ****** ** a dozen times at the most, no more . ************* ***** **** ****** the ***************************** *** or ********** ***** ****************** *** ** "woof woof!" ****** ******* ********* ** ** * ************** ******* *** ** (ouch) ************************************************** ************ ************************ ************* parsley and thine ********************************************************* a ************************************************ ***.
Did I really ***************** (hubba hubba!) *** ********* **** Des Lynam (oops) ********** ******** + ***** ************** ******? Read - my - lips: absolutely not!
********** **********, Richie McCaw, Norman Lamont, Harvey Keitel, ****** *******, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, ****** ************, Julian Clary, T*m C**se, J*hn T*******a, ******** *********, the office janitor, ***** **********, ***** *****, Anne Wyddecombe, ******* *********?
Maybe. But only in passing. Only affectionately like.
Finally, **************************** ****** ******* ** ****************************
******************************************* ***************'s ********************* ***************************************************************** ************* ************ ***************************** ****** *************************** ************************************************************* * ***************** has to be my greatest shame (long sigh)
...but what 'you gonna do about it! What's done is done; the broom was there, it had to be put to good use.
So there yous are, dear friends. All done.
Ah, feel much better!
