(please note that this is of course not the final version -a work is always "under construction" until it's sent off and printed) Coffee + vodka + grape juice, Arab Strap on. Uma o'Gil all rights reserved 0012.
---------------- Prologue (Funeral Of The Season) ---------------
-Moira: "And off we go now to Victoria Gardens for a very special live coverage of this week's Social Funeral brought to you by Carterouge Casinos -"Gambling is fun with Carterouge Casinos"- and to present this program Ladies 'n Gentlemen who better than please be upstanding for here he comes your host the man himself may I give you right away this very moment in person the one and only -Derek Whelan! ... Over to you Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira.
For yes indeeeeed -and a very good afternoon to yous all- this is Derek Whelan speaking, 'hope you're feeling grand -myself smashing super, thanks for asking!-, Derek Whelan on the mike then welcoming yous to this week's Social Funeral "The Biiiiig One" as we find ourselves peering through the gate of the gooooorgeous summer residence of TV celebrity Madleen "Mads" Koszak. Ah yes peering we are -peering with both eyes open too- for we are gathered here today at this very place to pay tribute -nay- pay our deepest respects to Mads' s latest husband -or should I say ex-latest husband ha ha- property developer Dermot McFergus. Dermot, you may recall, is best remembered for giving Dublin a decisive hand -and a finger as well!- onto the ladder to its world class status ah yes by razing to the ground its unsightly tower blocks (tss tss!) and replacing them with the deliiightful McFergus Stables Co. Inc. Ltd. which are a veritable credit to our great horse-racing nation." (breathes in) "The McFergus Stables he literally built, and the "Liffey Riviera" golf course too for it was him -him!-, the man behind the brains of the "Liffey Riviera"! Him and no other!! So move over, you Donald Trump, move over, you greedy bling-bling developers: McFergus's the name! -And one suspects it'll always be. (At least until the corporate takeover.) The McFergus Stables then, the Liffey Riviera: out-stan-ding, simply out-stan-ding I'd say you would agree with me, such is your man's legacy. Memorable for all sorts of reasons, sticking out like nobody's business in our venerable town of proud heritage and grand tradition -that's the McFergus style! For your man was unafraid oh, he was unafraid to ruffle feathers -your man was simply deadly.
You know -I'll tell you some'-, people come up to me in the street -they come from all walks of life too-, they say: "Derek Derek, I was born here, right? I grow up here... maybe forty years, forty-five at the max -I know I know, I don't look a day over thirty-nine but- and I'll tell you what, pal: Dublin... It's like a different place altogether today, it's like it's not the same anymore it isn't -and that's all thanks to good Mr. McFergus yeah!!" And yes indeed a different place it most certainly is... Why, myself in person have spent many a happy hour shooting, er, shots onto the almond Riviera green: bull's eye! hole in one! trebles all round! It's always craic time at the Liffey Riviera so it is -but enough about me folks, let us all come together, today off all days, let us come together in a very real sense for the last one (literally) of Dermot McFergus. That's right, let us commune in Dermot's very special day, cos' it's all about him right? It's all about him. We don't just come here to celebrate him -we come to bury him."
(another breath)
"So now he's gone so he is -quite literally Dermot McFergus is now officially yesterday's, alleluia! ...how truly sad. Amen dear Dermot, fare thee well, God speed, and all these sorts of things. And now my friends, now we're mourning him, for yes we are, today our collective efforts are resting him to the ground where he belongs -amen to that! I don't mind telling yous folks, but back here in our van stationed outside Mads's mansion, there's simply not a dry eye in the house oh no! ...Fortunately Derek Whelan is on the case -oh yes we are- and yous my friends -yes yous- are in for a special treat -hell yeah- as we'll cover every single minute starting from the first second of our Dermot's special last day. In fact, I'll tell yous what: we have quite a treat in store for yous so we have! Like St-Paddy's, Cheltenham, Easter Friday and Christmas all at once and no mistake! So switch off the phone, loosen up the belt, grab a pizza and don't yous dare go anywhere for the next two hours -don't even think of nodding off! No toilet break allowed -think clever, recycle your bottle of Coke! No-but-serious, don't yous be wandering off anywhere and yous won't miss a minute of the ceremony! Dermot McFergus's Big Funeral! On TTE! -and it's coming live!!"
(little jingle)
"The action, the reactions, the full Monty, commentary by yours truly, it's all happening -and it's about to kick off right-about-now! Just look who's here who's decided to join us, the stars are out en force to celebrate Dermot's passing -Surely yous'll want to know, surely yous'll want to tell your clueless colleagues tomorrow around the cookie jar? Yous'll want to spill it to them: Like who's come to pay their homage? who didn't get an invite? and what oh what will they be wearing? Well we're just about to find out!!
As soon as we get the live feed, we'll even throw in the actual sermon delivered by Father De Visis no less! My ears on the ground already tell me that it will mainly consist of Revelations 23.69.123 ("and ye shall beget that which is humble unto ye forthwith yea God so there here endeth Ezebaiah's seed"), ingenuously mixed with some excerpts from Dermot's very own autobiography: Dermot McFergus-"Myself" (that's his third one that is, available in all good shops; failing that, it'll be at the Clondalkin's library for sure). Ah yes... The man himself... Who would have thought eh? Rags to riches... rashers to oil rigs... and yet the most sinceeere devotion to Our Lord the Saviour -That was our Dermot all right! Blessed be the man forevermore as millions of Dubs cross themselves at the mere mention of his name and the slightest of sights of his stables!
But first... first let's hand over to Moira for a quick recap of the forthcoming proceedings -Don't know about yous folks, but I can hardly wait myself!
Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Over to you."
-Moira "Over to me.
Right, and for those of yous who have only joined us, we are now bringing yous the premium coverage of Dermot McFergus's very own funeral. For Dermot McFergus was not just a renowned renovator of that great city of Dublin -and a brilliant mind at that-, he was also a devout Catholic. An industry baron, a builder, and yet a humble believer. His family has therefore insisted on a proper religious ceremony with all the trimmings and gold tassel which we will share with you lot in as much as the Parish will let us film.
This will constitute the first part of today's events.
We will then cross over to the burial grounds themselves in order to bring yous the actual laying down to earth -all the way down yes- thanks to our exclusive Camcopter for a better view of the action which we will then follow by bringing yous the excluuusive reactions of sample well-wishers if we can find any on the ground (they won't be in the air eh!). We then hope to be able to talk to Mads herself for some precious quality time: what must go through her mind at this moment in time, how will she cope without multimillionaire Dermot's loving presence, and what are her plans for her future with her adopted male model of a son? All this and much more ...in some moments' time.
We will then conclude our coverage with a quick voxpop of the man on the street as to what the passing of Dermot McFergus means to him exactly -please note that this may be shortened for technical reasons (such as whether we can find any English speaker.)
But first with your friendly host for this prestigious event.... to help us along the proceedings of what promises to be the funeral of the season so far, let's go straight to our very own Shoe Correspondent Belinda Savage sitting alongside Derek. Belinda."
-Belinda: "Moira."
-Moira: "Belinda. Afternoon-to-you and how-are-you-keeping Belinda."
-Belinda: "I'm doing grand why thank you Moira. Shoe Expert actually if you don't mind. ...Not all of us can be -whatchallit- "Haircut Specialist", see."
-Moira: "That's right Belinda, not everyone can tell the difference between a Paris Cumblast highlights and a Colm Bald Iroquois, can one? which I guess doesn't matter, though, when one is only required to describe people from a distance, right?"
-Belinda: "Right."
-Moira: "For sure."
-Belinda: "For real."
And this is why you are in the studio and I am the one in the filmomobile at this moment in time -End of.
This point of detail having been clarified for the benefit of our lovely viewers, we can now turn our thoughts to today's exciting occasion, what's already being billed the Funeral of the Season.
Forget about the "Santa Amorosa"'s duelling stars' crisscross acid bath and electrified toilet seat double demise, forget about Linda McMac's little boy drowning, forget even old miss Brady machine-gunned down to feck already -this, lovely viewers, this is tipped to be the one to look out for! This is it, no messin' about, the must-see event of the day, the absolute gas, the veritable meat on the bone, the grand-daddy of all Dub parties -this is the shit! Who will be there, who's wearing what, what generous sponsors have they conveyed to the occasion -everything you're dying to know (especially the lowdown on the deep and dirty) will be revealed! It's like Derek said, don't yous be thinking of hitting that remote control any time soon (or at least not before the end of my coverage) -you'd be a total muppet! Ask yourselves now: Do you want to be a muppet? Do you?? No, so there.
With me today to mark this occasion, I am very honoured to have a -like- superduper host who needs no introduction. / Groan, ten bucks say she's about to! / He is the man of a hundred openings, a thousand cocktails, a million infospecials on footballers' arrests: Mr. Derek Whelan In Person!! And may I just say, Derek, what an absolute honour it is to be literally sitting in your actual company on a day like this."
-Derek: "Why thanks a million Belinda -good girl yourself- cos' that's rrrright folks! coming at yous from the very scene itself live and direct, it is only me on the mike, aul' Derek Whelan to keep yous company -like Moira was just after telling yous, lovely audience, no longer than a moment ago actually."
-Belinda: "She sure did, did studio-bound Moira, she sure did, and aren't they lovely though Derek? I'd say they deserve their own shout-out, right? So helllllo lovely audience, we love you something massive! You're watching TTE -Enjoy!"
-Derek: "Alleluia! Now then, let's not get carried away Belinda, for we have serious business to attend to"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have Derek, as we are like totally mourning the passing of our -er- host today. ... Dergal McFergus."
-Derek: "Dermot. And so, like I was saying, the stars are out en force today to celebrate -nay: commiserate- the tragic end of Dermot's fatal life. All the big names are here, the biggest names in the country, they done us proud, they done us good, they have a heart of gold -and they're not afraid to exhibit it for our cameras.
My my my, let's get started already shall we? Now then... Who can I spot out there on the front porch with my little eye and my Bigleux binoculars if it isn't sex symbol Fran Cosgrave -the man in person! Fran Cosgrave, accompanied by flamboyant designer Keith Drugby ("flamboyant": 'know what I mean here? Nudge nudge wink wink!). Who else? There we can see, heiress to Duffy Sausages Ltd, mizz Susan Duffy, right fresh from her well-deserved vacation in the Maldives. Mizz Susan Duffy, and then TVfunnyman Baz the Boz (usually seen sparring on our channel with equally hilarious Finbar Moss and Father Moyles); TV soap diva Cillian Brandon; maneater shoe expert Tina McNamara (still in search of a catch-phrase); Genial Keith Duffy -looking very suave in a casual cashmere polo, very suave indeed-; Role Model for the children Deco Byrne (plays inside left-back for Shelbourne Rovers, that's who), Fran Cosgrave again -being escorted off the premises- oh, and many many more -Ah yes, what a turn-up!"
-Belinda: "Many many more for sure -Talking of which, Derek, isn't it your woman Claudie McBride I see out there chatting to Father Debifis?"
-Derek: "Tis indeed Belinda -well spotted our kid-, 'tis Claudie McBride and none other, Rob Duffy's girlfriend herself, resplendent in her salmon tracksuit and silver hand-bag -and don't forget the hat! Our Claudie sports a, er, seaweed green yoke with solid gold chains whipping her forehead -dead proper street. Right now, she's deep in talk with Father De Bisis so we sadly can't call her over and ask her how Rob's doing. Aw shucks, and what a sigh they make... Just look them two... Claudie certainly looks like she's able to hold her own with the best of them -even with men of the cloth!-, just check the way she's blowing breeze into Father De Bisis's face -it's like she hasn't got a care in the world!"
-Belinda: "Indeed she is, oh isn't she. Could it be -and I'm just vocalising aloud here- could it be she's more than a pair of double D reinforced? Could it? 'Tell you what though, 'would love to know what our Robbie has to say about her surely fascinating conversation... Not too impressed with her pumps either I am. Look mail order.
Now then, who else are we told is in attendance today... -Oh yes, camp champ Brian "Big Brother" Dowling; Daddy's Daughter Peaches Dullup -the very one who / adds her signature to these distressing shopping-lists of claptrap / writes these gripping and well-informed columns for "The Indo"; Tessa Turlington-Thawthorpe enjoying a joke with DJ Crassman here; ex-Justice Minister Malcolm McDowell; diminutive jockey Jock McFerguson; still no sign of any black person; Convicted Murderer Sensation Willo Byrne -ah but for the power of a new haircut!"
-Derek: "A new haircut for one ...and a good aul', hankies-out, TV confession exclusive for two Belinda! For -lest we forget- Willo's "My Bad" was the second highest rating on Early Evening Prime-Time National Cable TV last week -Beat that, Seamus Heaney! So anyway, here he is, everybody's favourite murderer, all cried out, already pardoned, enjoying a joke with Topless Model Lisa Burlington-Thornley -who shan't be displaying her magnificent breasts today since -so she told me this very morning through a paper I picked on a seat of the LUAS- "no fecker offered to cough up so" and at this stage I really must say -indulge me here Belinda- I really must say, we ought to name and shame whichever swine it was that refused her her due and prevented her from entertaining us in the manner we became accustomed to! (If only we knew who it was....) -Is all I have to say on this downright disgraceful state of affairs."
-Belinda: "Right you are, Derek. Good point well made."
-Derek: "But seriously Belinda -seriously- you tell me: What is the point of a zipped-up topless model? Eh?? What is it exactly? Has this world gone bonkers or what? It'd be like... it'd be like uprooting a soccer player from his pitch and asking him to hold a conversation! Or facing a member of the opposite sex stone cold sober!"
-Belinda: "Or trying to understand the plot of an American filum without watching its trailer first! What's the point!"
-Derek: "Precisely! What's the point! Well I ask you then!"
-Belinda: "You ask me!"
-Derek: "I ask you Belinda!"
-Belinda: "(???) Well I don't know for sure Derek... I can't really tell... (what da???)"
-Derek: "That's right Belinda: my point precisely: we just can't tell! It's not on, is what! It doesn't compute! Oh I don't know Belinda I just don't know, sometimes it seems to me... Seems to me we're experiencing a total lack of respect for our celebrated tarts -total lack of respect! Here, let me ask you this: how do you expect our small country to compete with the big boys out there and develop our very own Anna Nicole Smith ...when we have to suffer this flagrant attack of monetary correctness? Eh??"
-Belinda: "'Fecked if I know the answer to that! I must admit, Derek, you sure got me here... You are so right though: in this-day-n-age, surely our children could do with some positive role model yeah? Sure they do! I hear you good Derek: what example is this kind of behaviour setting? It's like... robbing our young wans of their future!"
-Derek: "Like totally, Belinda -and it's driving me fumes!! So here she is, our Lizzie in person, fannying about like la-di-dah D4 royalty, see her guzzling the Cointreau, see her nibbling at them tiny weenie rashers canapés -having a gay old time have we? And then look at them just look at them: two of the most lethal breasts in the whole of the Republic -still covered up at this stage of the game! That is brutal, that!"
-Belinda: "Too right you are! You tell 'em Dezz!"
-Derek: "Oh well, mustn't grumble I suppose -and it's Derek to you there's a good lass-, we'll have to make do with Plastic Surgery Disaster Marta Gronbowicz then. And there she is, top corner of your screen, hanging by the poolside bar -Point that fecking camera at her will you!- Marta is currently displaying her fifth nose job. This season, it is modelled after "a playful young cub" we are told. And very nice it is too."
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, I can also exclusively reveal Marta went for a "cheekbone readjustment procedure" earlier this year in order to resemble Natalia (?) Kinski. ...Or so she hoped." (Giggles.) "As we all know, she ended up looking like your woman after her fella's team has lost on penalties!"
-Derek, all cheerful: "Oh how we laughed Belinda, oh how we laughed indeed, but even that, that was nothing -compared to her earlier attempt to beat the world record of "beehive stung lips"! Oh happy days!!"
-Belinda: "Great craic that one, 'think I've still wet my knickers here... Half-hours upon half-hours of infotainment footage -Classic!"
-Derek: "Good old Marta eh... Still officially 33 after all these years you know, top girl herself..."
-Belinda: "She'll outlive us all Derek, she'll outlive us all..."
-Derek: "If she makes it past the next time she goes under. Which reminds me. Which reminds me, esteemed viewers: Throughout the course of this program, we have an exciting competition for your good selves to enjoy!"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have, oh lucky yous: an exciting competition courtesy of your very own TTE station, yay! Should be a grand one: nothing but the best for our viewers! But tell us more Derek, do tell us more!"
-Derek: "Right then, here goes. In association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"-, TTE offers yous the opportunity to spend a romantic evening at l'Escriteuuur Restaurant in Ballybollix Creek -with a full meal for two thrown in on top."
-Belinda: "Fancy!?"
-Derek: "A whole full meal (wine not included) on the week night of your choice, and all yous have to do to win yourselves this fabulous prize is... -now pay attention, here comes the question- ... tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by the current departed (Dermot McFergus, that is). Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? Text your answer to the premium number which should be appearing on your screen now (low-call tariff may not apply). Best luck yourselves, and don't forget Blurp Insurance -"the power to".
/ Sometimes fun is the hardest thing to bear. /
