Friday, 20 July 2012
Thursday, 19 July 2012
YKNY2.0 Prologue Part 2
Part 2 of prologue, the usual caveats, warnings and reservations apply.
"Now who is it I can now see with my little eye -no, not that one you filthy mind- enjoying a stroll with Socially Pitiable Dyslexic Martin Connolly? ...Could it be Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham? could it?? Rrrrr, Paula you femme fatale you!! Wouldn't kick her out of bed myself if she-Actually noooo... No actually, I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure it is her now... May not be Paula Brummingham after all. ... Can anyone confirm? Confirm / deny? Is it Paula or not? Try as I might, I can't see shit through this garden hedge! 'Feckers 'grown it just to hide their guests from us! ..... Ah well, then maybe not on second thought. Hmm. Let's say it isn't Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham. Could it be Tallaght transvestite Dickless Tracey then? Hmmmm, neither I don't think so... (Godfeckindammit, can anyone come to my assistance here!!) Now saddle me on a pushbike with a KwikSave groceries bag and drop me at your Nan viewers, but I'm afraid I can't recognise the young lady presently shaking her money-maker next to Society Sanctioned Connolly! How annoying. ...Any idea as to whom she may be, hired help Belinda?"
-Belinda: "Woh-oh Derek, hold your horse here! You're -like- putting me on a hot spot! That blonde wan with the poxy heels and the boring fur knickers? -Well 'feck me in a hole if I can tell who she is! Now then, let's try though...
'Is not Wild Child Lara Trompton-Mewsley is it? No. This one's not kicking any foreign waitress. Maybe Sizzling Rehab Breakout Saskia Cahill? No, neither: can't see no joint dangling from any part of her body... It wouldn't be Senator Marie Curzcnak, would it? "Clothes Show" presenter Eimear Callahan? Sunday Tabloid Front-Pager Niamh o'Namara? Euro Crumpet Maria Vilverde de San Antonio (y Chupas a Gogo)? I'm literally wrecking me brains here, Derek! Can't think of who on Earth -or Dublin town- she could possibly be, it's doing me bonce in something proper!
Well I suppose... at the end of the day, we'll just have to -Oh. My. God.- Oh my God a thought just occurred to me Derek. Surely, surely it couldn't be... it couldn't be? ... Could your woman be ...a nobody??" (horrified gasp)
-Derek: "Ah don't be being silly now Bels, let me remind you this is a sombre occasion here -I'll tell you what though, we'll leave it at that and pretend that I myself -Derek Whelan at your service ladies 'n gentlemen- have been left floundering for once. ... Only joking! I'm sure one of our inside people working the staff will be able to find out her name. Capisce? There's a tenner in the offing."
-Belinda: "What an inspired suggestion, Derek! Like -totally fresh yeah! A tenner to the good and make it double quick, people -But you know what, Derek? All of a sudden I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking there is NO WAY Blondie here can be a downclass though. Hear me out, yeah? If she actually managed to get in in the first place, she must be like -you know- ...worth it? Well worth and connected! ....Know what I mean? (wink wink)"
-Derek: "By the Bono you must be right Bels lass! The very least she must have got up to to gain admission must have been -ooh I don't know- sleep with half the security! A-ha!! Have we found ourselves a sexscandal or what? Live on TTE! Just fancy that, viewers: a steamy sordid sexscandal in this day of all days! Eros and tornadoes! Could this be for real??"
-Belinda: "Oooh, deadly, see me -I'm shivering all over! Who on Earth could be so sexmad and determined? Who? Who could be so outrageous? This is like... so totally!"
-Derek: "Couldn't agree more Belinda. But obviously mustn't get carried away. Would hate to speak out of turns. Huh huh. Not me, not Derek Whelan. Cos' remember Belso, we at TTE have a mission to uphold, standards to maintain. Our valued viewers look up to us -and that's what makes us the winners that we are"
-Belinda: "Well said, that!"
-Derek: "and what our valued viewers know, it's that we don't want to be bringing the tone down on this day of all days, we can't possibly insist on this shocking sexscandal -oh no, our viewers' probity is too much of a credit to us. So you see Belinda, if it turns out there is indeed any jumped-up hanky-panky going on at McDermot mansion well... Well we'll just have to be mature about it Belinda. That's what we'll content ourselves with doing: we'll just be mature about it. Whose business it is and how often they're at it, where does it take place and what sick fantasies are being enacted -that's for our respected host to deal with. We're mere observers and have a duty to suspend judgement on this perverted upstart. She managed to get in -fair play to her.
Because at TTE, we take our mission seriously, very seriously indeed. And I think you will agree"
-Belinda: "Oh, I agree Derek that"
-Derek: "-Hang on sweetchops I'm not finished- I think you will agree our viewers need to be informed don't they. They need to be informed, as is only right and proper for any self-respecting news outlet -and mark my words, TTE is that kind of responsible news outlet. Our viewers need to be told what's what / who's who. More to the point, they need to know what's going on within these private walls, and what the other channels keep them in the dark about. Like who the hell this slapper is; what sordid details she got up to -and whether she'll have the decency to attend the fecking mass!
Now then Belinda, mull this over for a second... Wouldn't you say I have a point here?"
-Belinda: "Like totally, Derek!"
-Derek: "Good girl yourself. So what I suppose I'm saying here is... What I'm saying here is this: let's our reason keep, and let's -for the sake of the argument- apprehend the current situation this way" (pause) "OK, so let's accept this foxy peroxide blonde has indeed been squeezing the vinegar strokes out our very own dyslexic Marty -as is her absolute right in a free country- ...then, then let me ask you this Belinda. If that's the shocking case, who knows what else is going on out there? What else under our very noses and treacherously hidden away from our viewers! The mind boggles. Still and let's be crystal clear Belinda, it is my firm and solemn belief it is our responsibility -nay our duty- to inform on such matters -and that's out of respect for our audience."
-Belinda: "Right on Derek. We sure are duty bounded and that's the TTE pledge."
/ Deep sigh, let it pass. Can't be seen to twitch, let's pretend I haven't heard that bit. /
"Oh but isn't it... The Man Himself? leading his famous castrated panda up the garden path?"
-Derek: "Eh? Who's that?"
-Belinda: "The scourge of celebrities! You know him already: Baz Guhrnam!! What's he doing here, I would of thought that he was banned!*"
* Bernard "Baz" Guhrnam, born 04/28/71 in Melbourne (Australia), founder of the "Capit'all" paparazzi photo agency. Guhrnam first came to prominence with his aggressive chasing of celebrities for "gonzo" stolen pictures. Credited with inventing the "snatch-it" genre through his own notorious celebrity magazine/website "Snatch", specializing in snapshots of harassed celebrities, often taken in highly personal circumstances (including in bathrooms), on the grounds that celebrities are by definition public property. Another notorious feature of Guhrnam's publications: engineered scuffles between the aforementioned celebrities and camera wielding "Snatch" employees. Although highly criticised, Guhrnam's magazine enjoyed continued and spectacular commercial success; it grew in aggression and scope (targeting politicians as well as athletes and artists) in spite of -or thanks to- high profile court cases. "Snatch" spawned "Puss" and "Chick", similar kinds of publications devoted to celebrities' offspring -often as young as a few days old. Its success inspired a wave of derivative and often anonymous publications/websites that in turn fell foul of the law, leading to drastic changes in the Irish legislation. Guhrnam's death (31/13/07), although officially attributed to drug-related causes, has been the subject of controversy in its own right, with his estate and conspiracy websites claiming he had been the subject of foul play.
-Derek: "Ah but you see Bels, your man Baz is a celebrity in his own right, truth be told: why, he sells millions, he's got every right! Besides, and I should like to imagine, better have him on your side than on your back right? (cough cough). The antipodean maverick eh... I like to think of him as a lovable rogue myself! See Belinda, Mads inviting him is probably a highly clever move: she may want to keep herself in the self-proclaimed King Of Yellow Slebreporting's good books, right? Makes perfect sense to me -surely your man won't be biting the proverbial hand. Fair play to her says I!"
-Belinda: "Fair play to you Derek. I'm not convinced though... His presence looks kinda fishy and dead queer to me... Funny looking fellow he is.
Ah what do I know eh, it's not like -say straight off me head- I would had ever got snapped sharing a man's toilet by one of his trash-can botherers did I? Only kidding, folks. Only kidding. I'm not called Helen.
Anyway! I like your man's pink DocMartens though -they're quite sexy actually. Very Dragon on a Saturday night. Talking of invites," (silly giggles) "-and maybe I shouldn't mention this but...- funny how I don't see Michael O'Leary or Heather McCartney anywhere... Could it be they didn't get an invite? Who would have thought!"
-Derek (giggling himself): "Oh but you're a terrible girl Belinda Savage so you are! Now then, let's not go there!"
-Belinda: "No let's not go there"
-Derek: "Let's not go there. Phew! Close shave. Oh my oh my... Michael O' Leary eh... Talk about bringing the tone down... (!!!) But you know what Belinda, I have to point something out though, with all this commotion, this highly entertaining chit-chat we've been treating our viewers to -I almost got thinking me, I have to point out there's just one thing..."
-Belinda: "Yes Derek, what is it?"
-Derek: "Well actually and believe it or not ...We still haven't caught a glimpse of the widow herself!!"
-Belinda: "Ohmygod you are so right here Derek, I nearly forgot myself about our Mads! Poor old Mads eh... Our one and only! The queen of the show! The one we've all been waiting for! Where must she be? 'She ready yet? 'She having her hair done or what? I wonder what must go through her mind at this stage of the game obviously she must be utterly devastated and she'll take one day at a time it never rains but pours thankfully time is a great healer -But seriously though. But seriously. What must she be thinking right now eh, do you reckon she's still in shock Derek? Do you think she'll ever recover? Obviously things will never be the same and there's only one Dougal"
-Derek: "Fergus"
-Belinda: "there's only one Fergus hopefully she'll find the strength, she'll find the strength to face up face up and gather herself for her guests put on a brave show who must be really wondering by now. They must be wondering what the feck she's up to and I'd say myself she must be chomping at the bit literally chomping at the bit to get on with it and let's get this show on the road isn't that right what do you think Derek?"
/ Get ready to switch to camera 3 on the signal... /
-Derek: "Funny you should say that Belzo, for look here but who's making her entrance right now... None other but talk about perfect timing!"
/ You heard the man... /
"Looking -I have to say- absolutely fabulous, here comes the widow walking up the garden path. 'Much as we can make out through this bleeding foliage, she looks every inch the perfect A-lister that she is -Class eh, 'simply can't buy it!"
-Belinda: "Mads is wearing a Jimy Chou hand-knit woolly dress, Donna Coran pecari hide handbag, Bukkake handkerchief up her left sleeve, vintage Tibetan chihuahua under her right elbow and two Rothko double-laced no-heels flat shoes"
-Derek: "I say Belinda, how impressive, don't be showing off now!"
-Belinda: "...or so my cards tell me."
-Derek: "(cough cough) I'm sure you're right here, I'm sure you're right! Perfect eyesight more like, perfect eyesight has our Belinda! Cos' you know what, folks? Cos' on the money -that's where we like to be at TTE! Spot-on and first with the news! All the thrills, spills, and accurate hair-products. We hope of course to be able to corner Mads later and get her very first reaction to her impressions -some hell of an exclusive not to be missed I dare say- but for the moment, for the time being she's only doing the sympathy rounds chatting to her card-accredited well-wishers -aren't they the lucky ones...
Now here's the deal. Here's the deal, lucky viewers. We ourselves may not be deployed on the ground, that is the Garden of Serenity and McFergus Enterprises Ltd ...we still have a right deadly joker up our very sleeve!"
-Belinda: "Have we?"
-Derek: "We have!"
-Belinda: "Tell us more oh Derek!" (claps her little hands)
-Derek: "If you insist Belinda. Now our viewers all know how much we hate blowing our own trumpet at TTE -oh no we don't- but the fact is, we have ourselves an absolute killer in store for yous we have, a -like- totally lethal surprise that will simply blow your collective socks off. 'Yous ready yet? So get this: yous need not fear missing out on any of the action ...for we have managed to get ourselves a lip-reader that'll decipher them condolences!!"
-Belinda: "No?!>? -Derek: "Yes!!!"
-Belinda "Far out Derek! This is like... -so totally! Fair play to you Derek! You've done it again big man!"
-Derek: "Why thank you Belinda, much obliged, and why don't you hang around after the show, come and see me later heh heh -anyhoo indeed we have, esclusively for TTE, a literally actual lip-reader that can read lips! How about that eh. 'Must say, I ain't half pleased with it, only goes to show we're right on the ball here at "Social Funeral"! Make no mistake, no expenses cut for us oh no, no corner's shaved when it comes to treat our valued viewers -so stick it up your pipe, ya RTE! It's one-nil to the TTE!
Now then. Now then let's get to it -let's get down to business. Hello lip-reader, welcome to the program and your name is...?"
-Gassarian: "Emir Gassarian."
-Derek: "?? Gassarian that's..." (laughing) "Doesn't sound quite Irish does it? 'Take it you weren't born within the walls of Rathmines were you now?"
-Gassarian: "Actually Derek, I live here -what...- twenty years at least. My parents originally emigrated from"
-Derek: "OK OK I'm sure they were right to so... Gossarian -since Gossarian it is- ...what can you tell us 's happening there? What are the guests saying? Here, take my binos -they're only lethal, they're Bigleux Binoculars- Start with those at the centre if you please, near the gold plated cherub statue"
-Gassarian: "Right. Now let me see....... Hmm.... hmm... right... hmm... OK. Well Derek, see this gentleman here, with the red feather boa and the green suit"
-Belinda: "I think you'll find that's TVfunnyman Damian. I think he's quite sexy actually."
-Gassarian: "Right then, TVfunnyman Damian, well he just was after saying to Madleen "I'm very sorry for your loss.""
-Derek: "Did he now?"
-Gassarian: "He did, and then repeated himself: "Oh yes, very sorry for your loss"; he's now added "My heart goes out to you.""
-Belinda: "Really? Not even a quick joke?"
-Gassarian: "None that I can see. Maybe you would like to hear what Madleen replied?"
-Derek: "By all means Grossarian, you go ahead."
-Gassarian: "She said "Why, thank you kindly Damo.""
-Belinda: "Huh that's just sh"
-Derek: "fanTAStic! That's just fantastic! Isn't it amazing, dear viewers? Isn't it heart-warming? to be able to penetrate the intimacy of your favourite stars -Don't know about you Bels', but I think it's just fab. It really brings it home: you can almost hear our Mads choking back her tears, it's like yous and me are right there in her sad little face! "Why, thank you kindly" that's just.. marvellous. So down to earth, no airs and graces for her eh -Totally levelling with common people is our Mads! Why, thanks a million Grozarian, good work that -and any more exciting revelation for us? What 'they saying now, what's the word on the mourning catwalk? Do tell us, we're all ears!"
-Gassarian: "Right er....... Miss Koszak is now saying to the 40-something lady in the leather tutu "How lovely to see you... how simply wonderful. Glad you could rake it -rake it??"
-Derek: "Fantastic! Isn't it fantastic dear viewers? Such humility, such grace -that's our Mads alright, 'right trooper she is, man of the people like, with a kind word for everyone and a nice gesture for each of them -What gas it must be for her guests, no wonder she got voted "the nicest person in the whole world" at our recent style awards -your woman's a class act pure and simple."
-Belinda: "She's the people's Personality she is!"
-Derek: "Amen to that! Ah yes, must admit I admire the hell out of her"
-Belinda: "Too right you are, Derek! She's like... tiptop! Couldn't have happened to a nicer soul!"
-Derek: "Couldn't indeed -It's me opinion and I'll stick by it! Ah yes, in these sad sad days of no manners, no manners and crass vulgarity, Mads "Madleen" Koszak stands out like the proverbial bacon of light and we could do worse -much worse- than take example on her is what I says. But back to our exclusive revelations live on TTE, tell us oh tell us er... Rozarian (??) -what 'she saying now? Our teleobjective shows her in deep converse with the holy man, what 'she telling him now? We're dying to know!"
-Gassarian: "Well Derek she er...... Couldn't quite catch the start of her sentence but... something about getting it (?) over and done with double quick, she's already late, needs to dash off to Sky TV for an inte"
-Derek: "Thank you that will be all! I think the last thing we need right now we don't want to intrude into Mads's private grief at this difficult juncture in her life this stage of the game and I guess I suppose you need to learn it'd do you good respect people's grief Gozzarian and show a little bit more respect that is if you don't mind some common decency our very own Queen of hearts she is after all -the People's favourite so."
...
-Gassarian: "Er sure... Sure, unquestionably. I certainly didn't mean to"
-Derek: "Thankyou. Thankyou that will be all. And I think that -actually as chance has it- I think we'll take a break now, we'll take a break -But stay with us yes, stay with TTE for we'll be right back -that's myself, Derek Whelan and Belinda Savage- we'll be right back after the news. So don't be switching off now, plenty more to come where these came from, but first... first the headlines with Clio Hartbyrne. Clio."
-Clio: "Derek.
(all rights reserved Uma o'Gil) "Driven To Tears"-The Police, "The Knives Of Summer"-Sparklehorse, "Valentine's Day"-Klaus Nomi, "King Of Rock'n Roll"-Prefab Sprout.
"Now who is it I can now see with my little eye -no, not that one you filthy mind- enjoying a stroll with Socially Pitiable Dyslexic Martin Connolly? ...Could it be Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham? could it?? Rrrrr, Paula you femme fatale you!! Wouldn't kick her out of bed myself if she-Actually noooo... No actually, I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure it is her now... May not be Paula Brummingham after all. ... Can anyone confirm? Confirm / deny? Is it Paula or not? Try as I might, I can't see shit through this garden hedge! 'Feckers 'grown it just to hide their guests from us! ..... Ah well, then maybe not on second thought. Hmm. Let's say it isn't Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham. Could it be Tallaght transvestite Dickless Tracey then? Hmmmm, neither I don't think so... (Godfeckindammit, can anyone come to my assistance here!!) Now saddle me on a pushbike with a KwikSave groceries bag and drop me at your Nan viewers, but I'm afraid I can't recognise the young lady presently shaking her money-maker next to Society Sanctioned Connolly! How annoying. ...Any idea as to whom she may be, hired help Belinda?"
-Belinda: "Woh-oh Derek, hold your horse here! You're -like- putting me on a hot spot! That blonde wan with the poxy heels and the boring fur knickers? -Well 'feck me in a hole if I can tell who she is! Now then, let's try though...
'Is not Wild Child Lara Trompton-Mewsley is it? No. This one's not kicking any foreign waitress. Maybe Sizzling Rehab Breakout Saskia Cahill? No, neither: can't see no joint dangling from any part of her body... It wouldn't be Senator Marie Curzcnak, would it? "Clothes Show" presenter Eimear Callahan? Sunday Tabloid Front-Pager Niamh o'Namara? Euro Crumpet Maria Vilverde de San Antonio (y Chupas a Gogo)? I'm literally wrecking me brains here, Derek! Can't think of who on Earth -or Dublin town- she could possibly be, it's doing me bonce in something proper!
Well I suppose... at the end of the day, we'll just have to -Oh. My. God.- Oh my God a thought just occurred to me Derek. Surely, surely it couldn't be... it couldn't be? ... Could your woman be ...a nobody??" (horrified gasp)
-Derek: "Ah don't be being silly now Bels, let me remind you this is a sombre occasion here -I'll tell you what though, we'll leave it at that and pretend that I myself -Derek Whelan at your service ladies 'n gentlemen- have been left floundering for once. ... Only joking! I'm sure one of our inside people working the staff will be able to find out her name. Capisce? There's a tenner in the offing."
-Belinda: "What an inspired suggestion, Derek! Like -totally fresh yeah! A tenner to the good and make it double quick, people -But you know what, Derek? All of a sudden I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking there is NO WAY Blondie here can be a downclass though. Hear me out, yeah? If she actually managed to get in in the first place, she must be like -you know- ...worth it? Well worth and connected! ....Know what I mean? (wink wink)"
-Derek: "By the Bono you must be right Bels lass! The very least she must have got up to to gain admission must have been -ooh I don't know- sleep with half the security! A-ha!! Have we found ourselves a sexscandal or what? Live on TTE! Just fancy that, viewers: a steamy sordid sexscandal in this day of all days! Eros and tornadoes! Could this be for real??"
-Belinda: "Oooh, deadly, see me -I'm shivering all over! Who on Earth could be so sexmad and determined? Who? Who could be so outrageous? This is like... so totally!"
-Derek: "Couldn't agree more Belinda. But obviously mustn't get carried away. Would hate to speak out of turns. Huh huh. Not me, not Derek Whelan. Cos' remember Belso, we at TTE have a mission to uphold, standards to maintain. Our valued viewers look up to us -and that's what makes us the winners that we are"
-Belinda: "Well said, that!"
-Derek: "and what our valued viewers know, it's that we don't want to be bringing the tone down on this day of all days, we can't possibly insist on this shocking sexscandal -oh no, our viewers' probity is too much of a credit to us. So you see Belinda, if it turns out there is indeed any jumped-up hanky-panky going on at McDermot mansion well... Well we'll just have to be mature about it Belinda. That's what we'll content ourselves with doing: we'll just be mature about it. Whose business it is and how often they're at it, where does it take place and what sick fantasies are being enacted -that's for our respected host to deal with. We're mere observers and have a duty to suspend judgement on this perverted upstart. She managed to get in -fair play to her.
Because at TTE, we take our mission seriously, very seriously indeed. And I think you will agree"
-Belinda: "Oh, I agree Derek that"
-Derek: "-Hang on sweetchops I'm not finished- I think you will agree our viewers need to be informed don't they. They need to be informed, as is only right and proper for any self-respecting news outlet -and mark my words, TTE is that kind of responsible news outlet. Our viewers need to be told what's what / who's who. More to the point, they need to know what's going on within these private walls, and what the other channels keep them in the dark about. Like who the hell this slapper is; what sordid details she got up to -and whether she'll have the decency to attend the fecking mass!
Now then Belinda, mull this over for a second... Wouldn't you say I have a point here?"
-Belinda: "Like totally, Derek!"
-Derek: "Good girl yourself. So what I suppose I'm saying here is... What I'm saying here is this: let's our reason keep, and let's -for the sake of the argument- apprehend the current situation this way" (pause) "OK, so let's accept this foxy peroxide blonde has indeed been squeezing the vinegar strokes out our very own dyslexic Marty -as is her absolute right in a free country- ...then, then let me ask you this Belinda. If that's the shocking case, who knows what else is going on out there? What else under our very noses and treacherously hidden away from our viewers! The mind boggles. Still and let's be crystal clear Belinda, it is my firm and solemn belief it is our responsibility -nay our duty- to inform on such matters -and that's out of respect for our audience."
-Belinda: "Right on Derek. We sure are duty bounded and that's the TTE pledge."
/ Deep sigh, let it pass. Can't be seen to twitch, let's pretend I haven't heard that bit. /
"Oh but isn't it... The Man Himself? leading his famous castrated panda up the garden path?"
-Derek: "Eh? Who's that?"
-Belinda: "The scourge of celebrities! You know him already: Baz Guhrnam!! What's he doing here, I would of thought that he was banned!*"
* Bernard "Baz" Guhrnam, born 04/28/71 in Melbourne (Australia), founder of the "Capit'all" paparazzi photo agency. Guhrnam first came to prominence with his aggressive chasing of celebrities for "gonzo" stolen pictures. Credited with inventing the "snatch-it" genre through his own notorious celebrity magazine/website "Snatch", specializing in snapshots of harassed celebrities, often taken in highly personal circumstances (including in bathrooms), on the grounds that celebrities are by definition public property. Another notorious feature of Guhrnam's publications: engineered scuffles between the aforementioned celebrities and camera wielding "Snatch" employees. Although highly criticised, Guhrnam's magazine enjoyed continued and spectacular commercial success; it grew in aggression and scope (targeting politicians as well as athletes and artists) in spite of -or thanks to- high profile court cases. "Snatch" spawned "Puss" and "Chick", similar kinds of publications devoted to celebrities' offspring -often as young as a few days old. Its success inspired a wave of derivative and often anonymous publications/websites that in turn fell foul of the law, leading to drastic changes in the Irish legislation. Guhrnam's death (31/13/07), although officially attributed to drug-related causes, has been the subject of controversy in its own right, with his estate and conspiracy websites claiming he had been the subject of foul play.
-Derek: "Ah but you see Bels, your man Baz is a celebrity in his own right, truth be told: why, he sells millions, he's got every right! Besides, and I should like to imagine, better have him on your side than on your back right? (cough cough). The antipodean maverick eh... I like to think of him as a lovable rogue myself! See Belinda, Mads inviting him is probably a highly clever move: she may want to keep herself in the self-proclaimed King Of Yellow Slebreporting's good books, right? Makes perfect sense to me -surely your man won't be biting the proverbial hand. Fair play to her says I!"
-Belinda: "Fair play to you Derek. I'm not convinced though... His presence looks kinda fishy and dead queer to me... Funny looking fellow he is.
Ah what do I know eh, it's not like -say straight off me head- I would had ever got snapped sharing a man's toilet by one of his trash-can botherers did I? Only kidding, folks. Only kidding. I'm not called Helen.
Anyway! I like your man's pink DocMartens though -they're quite sexy actually. Very Dragon on a Saturday night. Talking of invites," (silly giggles) "-and maybe I shouldn't mention this but...- funny how I don't see Michael O'Leary or Heather McCartney anywhere... Could it be they didn't get an invite? Who would have thought!"
-Derek (giggling himself): "Oh but you're a terrible girl Belinda Savage so you are! Now then, let's not go there!"
-Belinda: "No let's not go there"
-Derek: "Let's not go there. Phew! Close shave. Oh my oh my... Michael O' Leary eh... Talk about bringing the tone down... (!!!) But you know what Belinda, I have to point something out though, with all this commotion, this highly entertaining chit-chat we've been treating our viewers to -I almost got thinking me, I have to point out there's just one thing..."
-Belinda: "Yes Derek, what is it?"
-Derek: "Well actually and believe it or not ...We still haven't caught a glimpse of the widow herself!!"
-Belinda: "Ohmygod you are so right here Derek, I nearly forgot myself about our Mads! Poor old Mads eh... Our one and only! The queen of the show! The one we've all been waiting for! Where must she be? 'She ready yet? 'She having her hair done or what? I wonder what must go through her mind at this stage of the game obviously she must be utterly devastated and she'll take one day at a time it never rains but pours thankfully time is a great healer -But seriously though. But seriously. What must she be thinking right now eh, do you reckon she's still in shock Derek? Do you think she'll ever recover? Obviously things will never be the same and there's only one Dougal"
-Derek: "Fergus"
-Belinda: "there's only one Fergus hopefully she'll find the strength, she'll find the strength to face up face up and gather herself for her guests put on a brave show who must be really wondering by now. They must be wondering what the feck she's up to and I'd say myself she must be chomping at the bit literally chomping at the bit to get on with it and let's get this show on the road isn't that right what do you think Derek?"
/ Get ready to switch to camera 3 on the signal... /
-Derek: "Funny you should say that Belzo, for look here but who's making her entrance right now... None other but talk about perfect timing!"
/ You heard the man... /
"Looking -I have to say- absolutely fabulous, here comes the widow walking up the garden path. 'Much as we can make out through this bleeding foliage, she looks every inch the perfect A-lister that she is -Class eh, 'simply can't buy it!"
-Belinda: "Mads is wearing a Jimy Chou hand-knit woolly dress, Donna Coran pecari hide handbag, Bukkake handkerchief up her left sleeve, vintage Tibetan chihuahua under her right elbow and two Rothko double-laced no-heels flat shoes"
-Derek: "I say Belinda, how impressive, don't be showing off now!"
-Belinda: "...or so my cards tell me."
-Derek: "(cough cough) I'm sure you're right here, I'm sure you're right! Perfect eyesight more like, perfect eyesight has our Belinda! Cos' you know what, folks? Cos' on the money -that's where we like to be at TTE! Spot-on and first with the news! All the thrills, spills, and accurate hair-products. We hope of course to be able to corner Mads later and get her very first reaction to her impressions -some hell of an exclusive not to be missed I dare say- but for the moment, for the time being she's only doing the sympathy rounds chatting to her card-accredited well-wishers -aren't they the lucky ones...
Now here's the deal. Here's the deal, lucky viewers. We ourselves may not be deployed on the ground, that is the Garden of Serenity and McFergus Enterprises Ltd ...we still have a right deadly joker up our very sleeve!"
-Belinda: "Have we?"
-Derek: "We have!"
-Belinda: "Tell us more oh Derek!" (claps her little hands)
-Derek: "If you insist Belinda. Now our viewers all know how much we hate blowing our own trumpet at TTE -oh no we don't- but the fact is, we have ourselves an absolute killer in store for yous we have, a -like- totally lethal surprise that will simply blow your collective socks off. 'Yous ready yet? So get this: yous need not fear missing out on any of the action ...for we have managed to get ourselves a lip-reader that'll decipher them condolences!!"
-Belinda: "No?!>? -Derek: "Yes!!!"
-Belinda "Far out Derek! This is like... -so totally! Fair play to you Derek! You've done it again big man!"
-Derek: "Why thank you Belinda, much obliged, and why don't you hang around after the show, come and see me later heh heh -anyhoo indeed we have, esclusively for TTE, a literally actual lip-reader that can read lips! How about that eh. 'Must say, I ain't half pleased with it, only goes to show we're right on the ball here at "Social Funeral"! Make no mistake, no expenses cut for us oh no, no corner's shaved when it comes to treat our valued viewers -so stick it up your pipe, ya RTE! It's one-nil to the TTE!
Now then. Now then let's get to it -let's get down to business. Hello lip-reader, welcome to the program and your name is...?"
-Gassarian: "Emir Gassarian."
-Derek: "?? Gassarian that's..." (laughing) "Doesn't sound quite Irish does it? 'Take it you weren't born within the walls of Rathmines were you now?"
-Gassarian: "Actually Derek, I live here -what...- twenty years at least. My parents originally emigrated from"
-Derek: "OK OK I'm sure they were right to so... Gossarian -since Gossarian it is- ...what can you tell us 's happening there? What are the guests saying? Here, take my binos -they're only lethal, they're Bigleux Binoculars- Start with those at the centre if you please, near the gold plated cherub statue"
-Gassarian: "Right. Now let me see....... Hmm.... hmm... right... hmm... OK. Well Derek, see this gentleman here, with the red feather boa and the green suit"
-Belinda: "I think you'll find that's TVfunnyman Damian. I think he's quite sexy actually."
-Gassarian: "Right then, TVfunnyman Damian, well he just was after saying to Madleen "I'm very sorry for your loss.""
-Derek: "Did he now?"
-Gassarian: "He did, and then repeated himself: "Oh yes, very sorry for your loss"; he's now added "My heart goes out to you.""
-Belinda: "Really? Not even a quick joke?"
-Gassarian: "None that I can see. Maybe you would like to hear what Madleen replied?"
-Derek: "By all means Grossarian, you go ahead."
-Gassarian: "She said "Why, thank you kindly Damo.""
-Belinda: "Huh that's just sh"
-Derek: "fanTAStic! That's just fantastic! Isn't it amazing, dear viewers? Isn't it heart-warming? to be able to penetrate the intimacy of your favourite stars -Don't know about you Bels', but I think it's just fab. It really brings it home: you can almost hear our Mads choking back her tears, it's like yous and me are right there in her sad little face! "Why, thank you kindly" that's just.. marvellous. So down to earth, no airs and graces for her eh -Totally levelling with common people is our Mads! Why, thanks a million Grozarian, good work that -and any more exciting revelation for us? What 'they saying now, what's the word on the mourning catwalk? Do tell us, we're all ears!"
-Gassarian: "Right er....... Miss Koszak is now saying to the 40-something lady in the leather tutu "How lovely to see you... how simply wonderful. Glad you could rake it -rake it??"
-Derek: "Fantastic! Isn't it fantastic dear viewers? Such humility, such grace -that's our Mads alright, 'right trooper she is, man of the people like, with a kind word for everyone and a nice gesture for each of them -What gas it must be for her guests, no wonder she got voted "the nicest person in the whole world" at our recent style awards -your woman's a class act pure and simple."
-Belinda: "She's the people's Personality she is!"
-Derek: "Amen to that! Ah yes, must admit I admire the hell out of her"
-Belinda: "Too right you are, Derek! She's like... tiptop! Couldn't have happened to a nicer soul!"
-Derek: "Couldn't indeed -It's me opinion and I'll stick by it! Ah yes, in these sad sad days of no manners, no manners and crass vulgarity, Mads "Madleen" Koszak stands out like the proverbial bacon of light and we could do worse -much worse- than take example on her is what I says. But back to our exclusive revelations live on TTE, tell us oh tell us er... Rozarian (??) -what 'she saying now? Our teleobjective shows her in deep converse with the holy man, what 'she telling him now? We're dying to know!"
-Gassarian: "Well Derek she er...... Couldn't quite catch the start of her sentence but... something about getting it (?) over and done with double quick, she's already late, needs to dash off to Sky TV for an inte"
-Derek: "Thank you that will be all! I think the last thing we need right now we don't want to intrude into Mads's private grief at this difficult juncture in her life this stage of the game and I guess I suppose you need to learn it'd do you good respect people's grief Gozzarian and show a little bit more respect that is if you don't mind some common decency our very own Queen of hearts she is after all -the People's favourite so."
...
-Gassarian: "Er sure... Sure, unquestionably. I certainly didn't mean to"
-Derek: "Thankyou. Thankyou that will be all. And I think that -actually as chance has it- I think we'll take a break now, we'll take a break -But stay with us yes, stay with TTE for we'll be right back -that's myself, Derek Whelan and Belinda Savage- we'll be right back after the news. So don't be switching off now, plenty more to come where these came from, but first... first the headlines with Clio Hartbyrne. Clio."
-Clio: "Derek.
(all rights reserved Uma o'Gil) "Driven To Tears"-The Police, "The Knives Of Summer"-Sparklehorse, "Valentine's Day"-Klaus Nomi, "King Of Rock'n Roll"-Prefab Sprout.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
part 1 of "You Know Yourself 2.0" prologue
(please note that this is of course not the final version -a work is always "under construction" until it's sent off and printed) Coffee + vodka + grape juice, Arab Strap on. Uma o'Gil all rights reserved 0012.
---------------- Prologue (Funeral Of The Season) ---------------
-Moira: "And off we go now to Victoria Gardens for a very special live coverage of this week's Social Funeral brought to you by Carterouge Casinos -"Gambling is fun with Carterouge Casinos"- and to present this program Ladies 'n Gentlemen who better than please be upstanding for here he comes your host the man himself may I give you right away this very moment in person the one and only -Derek Whelan! ... Over to you Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira.
For yes indeeeeed -and a very good afternoon to yous all- this is Derek Whelan speaking, 'hope you're feeling grand -myself smashing super, thanks for asking!-, Derek Whelan on the mike then welcoming yous to this week's Social Funeral "The Biiiiig One" as we find ourselves peering through the gate of the gooooorgeous summer residence of TV celebrity Madleen "Mads" Koszak. Ah yes peering we are -peering with both eyes open too- for we are gathered here today at this very place to pay tribute -nay- pay our deepest respects to Mads' s latest husband -or should I say ex-latest husband ha ha- property developer Dermot McFergus. Dermot, you may recall, is best remembered for giving Dublin a decisive hand -and a finger as well!- onto the ladder to its world class status ah yes by razing to the ground its unsightly tower blocks (tss tss!) and replacing them with the deliiightful McFergus Stables Co. Inc. Ltd. which are a veritable credit to our great horse-racing nation." (breathes in) "The McFergus Stables he literally built, and the "Liffey Riviera" golf course too for it was him -him!-, the man behind the brains of the "Liffey Riviera"! Him and no other!! So move over, you Donald Trump, move over, you greedy bling-bling developers: McFergus's the name! -And one suspects it'll always be. (At least until the corporate takeover.) The McFergus Stables then, the Liffey Riviera: out-stan-ding, simply out-stan-ding I'd say you would agree with me, such is your man's legacy. Memorable for all sorts of reasons, sticking out like nobody's business in our venerable town of proud heritage and grand tradition -that's the McFergus style! For your man was unafraid oh, he was unafraid to ruffle feathers -your man was simply deadly.
You know -I'll tell you some'-, people come up to me in the street -they come from all walks of life too-, they say: "Derek Derek, I was born here, right? I grow up here... maybe forty years, forty-five at the max -I know I know, I don't look a day over thirty-nine but- and I'll tell you what, pal: Dublin... It's like a different place altogether today, it's like it's not the same anymore it isn't -and that's all thanks to good Mr. McFergus yeah!!" And yes indeed a different place it most certainly is... Why, myself in person have spent many a happy hour shooting, er, shots onto the almond Riviera green: bull's eye! hole in one! trebles all round! It's always craic time at the Liffey Riviera so it is -but enough about me folks, let us all come together, today off all days, let us come together in a very real sense for the last one (literally) of Dermot McFergus. That's right, let us commune in Dermot's very special day, cos' it's all about him right? It's all about him. We don't just come here to celebrate him -we come to bury him."
(another breath)
"So now he's gone so he is -quite literally Dermot McFergus is now officially yesterday's, alleluia! ...how truly sad. Amen dear Dermot, fare thee well, God speed, and all these sorts of things. And now my friends, now we're mourning him, for yes we are, today our collective efforts are resting him to the ground where he belongs -amen to that! I don't mind telling yous folks, but back here in our van stationed outside Mads's mansion, there's simply not a dry eye in the house oh no! ...Fortunately Derek Whelan is on the case -oh yes we are- and yous my friends -yes yous- are in for a special treat -hell yeah- as we'll cover every single minute starting from the first second of our Dermot's special last day. In fact, I'll tell yous what: we have quite a treat in store for yous so we have! Like St-Paddy's, Cheltenham, Easter Friday and Christmas all at once and no mistake! So switch off the phone, loosen up the belt, grab a pizza and don't yous dare go anywhere for the next two hours -don't even think of nodding off! No toilet break allowed -think clever, recycle your bottle of Coke! No-but-serious, don't yous be wandering off anywhere and yous won't miss a minute of the ceremony! Dermot McFergus's Big Funeral! On TTE! -and it's coming live!!"
(little jingle)
"The action, the reactions, the full Monty, commentary by yours truly, it's all happening -and it's about to kick off right-about-now! Just look who's here who's decided to join us, the stars are out en force to celebrate Dermot's passing -Surely yous'll want to know, surely yous'll want to tell your clueless colleagues tomorrow around the cookie jar? Yous'll want to spill it to them: Like who's come to pay their homage? who didn't get an invite? and what oh what will they be wearing? Well we're just about to find out!!
As soon as we get the live feed, we'll even throw in the actual sermon delivered by Father De Visis no less! My ears on the ground already tell me that it will mainly consist of Revelations 23.69.123 ("and ye shall beget that which is humble unto ye forthwith yea God so there here endeth Ezebaiah's seed"), ingenuously mixed with some excerpts from Dermot's very own autobiography: Dermot McFergus-"Myself" (that's his third one that is, available in all good shops; failing that, it'll be at the Clondalkin's library for sure). Ah yes... The man himself... Who would have thought eh? Rags to riches... rashers to oil rigs... and yet the most sinceeere devotion to Our Lord the Saviour -That was our Dermot all right! Blessed be the man forevermore as millions of Dubs cross themselves at the mere mention of his name and the slightest of sights of his stables!
But first... first let's hand over to Moira for a quick recap of the forthcoming proceedings -Don't know about yous folks, but I can hardly wait myself!
Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Over to you."
-Moira "Over to me.
Right, and for those of yous who have only joined us, we are now bringing yous the premium coverage of Dermot McFergus's very own funeral. For Dermot McFergus was not just a renowned renovator of that great city of Dublin -and a brilliant mind at that-, he was also a devout Catholic. An industry baron, a builder, and yet a humble believer. His family has therefore insisted on a proper religious ceremony with all the trimmings and gold tassel which we will share with you lot in as much as the Parish will let us film.
This will constitute the first part of today's events.
We will then cross over to the burial grounds themselves in order to bring yous the actual laying down to earth -all the way down yes- thanks to our exclusive Camcopter for a better view of the action which we will then follow by bringing yous the excluuusive reactions of sample well-wishers if we can find any on the ground (they won't be in the air eh!). We then hope to be able to talk to Mads herself for some precious quality time: what must go through her mind at this moment in time, how will she cope without multimillionaire Dermot's loving presence, and what are her plans for her future with her adopted male model of a son? All this and much more ...in some moments' time.
We will then conclude our coverage with a quick voxpop of the man on the street as to what the passing of Dermot McFergus means to him exactly -please note that this may be shortened for technical reasons (such as whether we can find any English speaker.)
But first with your friendly host for this prestigious event.... to help us along the proceedings of what promises to be the funeral of the season so far, let's go straight to our very own Shoe Correspondent Belinda Savage sitting alongside Derek. Belinda."
-Belinda: "Moira."
-Moira: "Belinda. Afternoon-to-you and how-are-you-keeping Belinda."
-Belinda: "I'm doing grand why thank you Moira. Shoe Expert actually if you don't mind. ...Not all of us can be -whatchallit- "Haircut Specialist", see."
-Moira: "That's right Belinda, not everyone can tell the difference between a Paris Cumblast highlights and a Colm Bald Iroquois, can one? which I guess doesn't matter, though, when one is only required to describe people from a distance, right?"
-Belinda: "Right."
-Moira: "For sure."
-Belinda: "For real."
And this is why you are in the studio and I am the one in the filmomobile at this moment in time -End of.
This point of detail having been clarified for the benefit of our lovely viewers, we can now turn our thoughts to today's exciting occasion, what's already being billed the Funeral of the Season.
Forget about the "Santa Amorosa"'s duelling stars' crisscross acid bath and electrified toilet seat double demise, forget about Linda McMac's little boy drowning, forget even old miss Brady machine-gunned down to feck already -this, lovely viewers, this is tipped to be the one to look out for! This is it, no messin' about, the must-see event of the day, the absolute gas, the veritable meat on the bone, the grand-daddy of all Dub parties -this is the shit! Who will be there, who's wearing what, what generous sponsors have they conveyed to the occasion -everything you're dying to know (especially the lowdown on the deep and dirty) will be revealed! It's like Derek said, don't yous be thinking of hitting that remote control any time soon (or at least not before the end of my coverage) -you'd be a total muppet! Ask yourselves now: Do you want to be a muppet? Do you?? No, so there.
With me today to mark this occasion, I am very honoured to have a -like- superduper host who needs no introduction. / Groan, ten bucks say she's about to! / He is the man of a hundred openings, a thousand cocktails, a million infospecials on footballers' arrests: Mr. Derek Whelan In Person!! And may I just say, Derek, what an absolute honour it is to be literally sitting in your actual company on a day like this."
-Derek: "Why thanks a million Belinda -good girl yourself- cos' that's rrrright folks! coming at yous from the very scene itself live and direct, it is only me on the mike, aul' Derek Whelan to keep yous company -like Moira was just after telling yous, lovely audience, no longer than a moment ago actually."
-Belinda: "She sure did, did studio-bound Moira, she sure did, and aren't they lovely though Derek? I'd say they deserve their own shout-out, right? So helllllo lovely audience, we love you something massive! You're watching TTE -Enjoy!"
-Derek: "Alleluia! Now then, let's not get carried away Belinda, for we have serious business to attend to"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have Derek, as we are like totally mourning the passing of our -er- host today. ... Dergal McFergus."
-Derek: "Dermot. And so, like I was saying, the stars are out en force today to celebrate -nay: commiserate- the tragic end of Dermot's fatal life. All the big names are here, the biggest names in the country, they done us proud, they done us good, they have a heart of gold -and they're not afraid to exhibit it for our cameras.
My my my, let's get started already shall we? Now then... Who can I spot out there on the front porch with my little eye and my Bigleux binoculars if it isn't sex symbol Fran Cosgrave -the man in person! Fran Cosgrave, accompanied by flamboyant designer Keith Drugby ("flamboyant": 'know what I mean here? Nudge nudge wink wink!). Who else? There we can see, heiress to Duffy Sausages Ltd, mizz Susan Duffy, right fresh from her well-deserved vacation in the Maldives. Mizz Susan Duffy, and then TVfunnyman Baz the Boz (usually seen sparring on our channel with equally hilarious Finbar Moss and Father Moyles); TV soap diva Cillian Brandon; maneater shoe expert Tina McNamara (still in search of a catch-phrase); Genial Keith Duffy -looking very suave in a casual cashmere polo, very suave indeed-; Role Model for the children Deco Byrne (plays inside left-back for Shelbourne Rovers, that's who), Fran Cosgrave again -being escorted off the premises- oh, and many many more -Ah yes, what a turn-up!"
-Belinda: "Many many more for sure -Talking of which, Derek, isn't it your woman Claudie McBride I see out there chatting to Father Debifis?"
-Derek: "Tis indeed Belinda -well spotted our kid-, 'tis Claudie McBride and none other, Rob Duffy's girlfriend herself, resplendent in her salmon tracksuit and silver hand-bag -and don't forget the hat! Our Claudie sports a, er, seaweed green yoke with solid gold chains whipping her forehead -dead proper street. Right now, she's deep in talk with Father De Bisis so we sadly can't call her over and ask her how Rob's doing. Aw shucks, and what a sigh they make... Just look them two... Claudie certainly looks like she's able to hold her own with the best of them -even with men of the cloth!-, just check the way she's blowing breeze into Father De Bisis's face -it's like she hasn't got a care in the world!"
-Belinda: "Indeed she is, oh isn't she. Could it be -and I'm just vocalising aloud here- could it be she's more than a pair of double D reinforced? Could it? 'Tell you what though, 'would love to know what our Robbie has to say about her surely fascinating conversation... Not too impressed with her pumps either I am. Look mail order.
Now then, who else are we told is in attendance today... -Oh yes, camp champ Brian "Big Brother" Dowling; Daddy's Daughter Peaches Dullup -the very one who / adds her signature to these distressing shopping-lists of claptrap / writes these gripping and well-informed columns for "The Indo"; Tessa Turlington-Thawthorpe enjoying a joke with DJ Crassman here; ex-Justice Minister Malcolm McDowell; diminutive jockey Jock McFerguson; still no sign of any black person; Convicted Murderer Sensation Willo Byrne -ah but for the power of a new haircut!"
-Derek: "A new haircut for one ...and a good aul', hankies-out, TV confession exclusive for two Belinda! For -lest we forget- Willo's "My Bad" was the second highest rating on Early Evening Prime-Time National Cable TV last week -Beat that, Seamus Heaney! So anyway, here he is, everybody's favourite murderer, all cried out, already pardoned, enjoying a joke with Topless Model Lisa Burlington-Thornley -who shan't be displaying her magnificent breasts today since -so she told me this very morning through a paper I picked on a seat of the LUAS- "no fecker offered to cough up so" and at this stage I really must say -indulge me here Belinda- I really must say, we ought to name and shame whichever swine it was that refused her her due and prevented her from entertaining us in the manner we became accustomed to! (If only we knew who it was....) -Is all I have to say on this downright disgraceful state of affairs."
-Belinda: "Right you are, Derek. Good point well made."
-Derek: "But seriously Belinda -seriously- you tell me: What is the point of a zipped-up topless model? Eh?? What is it exactly? Has this world gone bonkers or what? It'd be like... it'd be like uprooting a soccer player from his pitch and asking him to hold a conversation! Or facing a member of the opposite sex stone cold sober!"
-Belinda: "Or trying to understand the plot of an American filum without watching its trailer first! What's the point!"
-Derek: "Precisely! What's the point! Well I ask you then!"
-Belinda: "You ask me!"
-Derek: "I ask you Belinda!"
-Belinda: "(???) Well I don't know for sure Derek... I can't really tell... (what da???)"
-Derek: "That's right Belinda: my point precisely: we just can't tell! It's not on, is what! It doesn't compute! Oh I don't know Belinda I just don't know, sometimes it seems to me... Seems to me we're experiencing a total lack of respect for our celebrated tarts -total lack of respect! Here, let me ask you this: how do you expect our small country to compete with the big boys out there and develop our very own Anna Nicole Smith ...when we have to suffer this flagrant attack of monetary correctness? Eh??"
-Belinda: "'Fecked if I know the answer to that! I must admit, Derek, you sure got me here... You are so right though: in this-day-n-age, surely our children could do with some positive role model yeah? Sure they do! I hear you good Derek: what example is this kind of behaviour setting? It's like... robbing our young wans of their future!"
-Derek: "Like totally, Belinda -and it's driving me fumes!! So here she is, our Lizzie in person, fannying about like la-di-dah D4 royalty, see her guzzling the Cointreau, see her nibbling at them tiny weenie rashers canapés -having a gay old time have we? And then look at them just look at them: two of the most lethal breasts in the whole of the Republic -still covered up at this stage of the game! That is brutal, that!"
-Belinda: "Too right you are! You tell 'em Dezz!"
-Derek: "Oh well, mustn't grumble I suppose -and it's Derek to you there's a good lass-, we'll have to make do with Plastic Surgery Disaster Marta Gronbowicz then. And there she is, top corner of your screen, hanging by the poolside bar -Point that fecking camera at her will you!- Marta is currently displaying her fifth nose job. This season, it is modelled after "a playful young cub" we are told. And very nice it is too."
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, I can also exclusively reveal Marta went for a "cheekbone readjustment procedure" earlier this year in order to resemble Natalia (?) Kinski. ...Or so she hoped." (Giggles.) "As we all know, she ended up looking like your woman after her fella's team has lost on penalties!"
-Derek, all cheerful: "Oh how we laughed Belinda, oh how we laughed indeed, but even that, that was nothing -compared to her earlier attempt to beat the world record of "beehive stung lips"! Oh happy days!!"
-Belinda: "Great craic that one, 'think I've still wet my knickers here... Half-hours upon half-hours of infotainment footage -Classic!"
-Derek: "Good old Marta eh... Still officially 33 after all these years you know, top girl herself..."
-Belinda: "She'll outlive us all Derek, she'll outlive us all..."
-Derek: "If she makes it past the next time she goes under. Which reminds me. Which reminds me, esteemed viewers: Throughout the course of this program, we have an exciting competition for your good selves to enjoy!"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have, oh lucky yous: an exciting competition courtesy of your very own TTE station, yay! Should be a grand one: nothing but the best for our viewers! But tell us more Derek, do tell us more!"
-Derek: "Right then, here goes. In association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"-, TTE offers yous the opportunity to spend a romantic evening at l'Escriteuuur Restaurant in Ballybollix Creek -with a full meal for two thrown in on top."
-Belinda: "Fancy!?"
-Derek: "A whole full meal (wine not included) on the week night of your choice, and all yous have to do to win yourselves this fabulous prize is... -now pay attention, here comes the question- ... tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by the current departed (Dermot McFergus, that is). Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? Text your answer to the premium number which should be appearing on your screen now (low-call tariff may not apply). Best luck yourselves, and don't forget Blurp Insurance -"the power to".
/ Sometimes fun is the hardest thing to bear. /
---------------- Prologue (Funeral Of The Season) ---------------
-Moira: "And off we go now to Victoria Gardens for a very special live coverage of this week's Social Funeral brought to you by Carterouge Casinos -"Gambling is fun with Carterouge Casinos"- and to present this program Ladies 'n Gentlemen who better than please be upstanding for here he comes your host the man himself may I give you right away this very moment in person the one and only -Derek Whelan! ... Over to you Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira.
For yes indeeeeed -and a very good afternoon to yous all- this is Derek Whelan speaking, 'hope you're feeling grand -myself smashing super, thanks for asking!-, Derek Whelan on the mike then welcoming yous to this week's Social Funeral "The Biiiiig One" as we find ourselves peering through the gate of the gooooorgeous summer residence of TV celebrity Madleen "Mads" Koszak. Ah yes peering we are -peering with both eyes open too- for we are gathered here today at this very place to pay tribute -nay- pay our deepest respects to Mads' s latest husband -or should I say ex-latest husband ha ha- property developer Dermot McFergus. Dermot, you may recall, is best remembered for giving Dublin a decisive hand -and a finger as well!- onto the ladder to its world class status ah yes by razing to the ground its unsightly tower blocks (tss tss!) and replacing them with the deliiightful McFergus Stables Co. Inc. Ltd. which are a veritable credit to our great horse-racing nation." (breathes in) "The McFergus Stables he literally built, and the "Liffey Riviera" golf course too for it was him -him!-, the man behind the brains of the "Liffey Riviera"! Him and no other!! So move over, you Donald Trump, move over, you greedy bling-bling developers: McFergus's the name! -And one suspects it'll always be. (At least until the corporate takeover.) The McFergus Stables then, the Liffey Riviera: out-stan-ding, simply out-stan-ding I'd say you would agree with me, such is your man's legacy. Memorable for all sorts of reasons, sticking out like nobody's business in our venerable town of proud heritage and grand tradition -that's the McFergus style! For your man was unafraid oh, he was unafraid to ruffle feathers -your man was simply deadly.
You know -I'll tell you some'-, people come up to me in the street -they come from all walks of life too-, they say: "Derek Derek, I was born here, right? I grow up here... maybe forty years, forty-five at the max -I know I know, I don't look a day over thirty-nine but- and I'll tell you what, pal: Dublin... It's like a different place altogether today, it's like it's not the same anymore it isn't -and that's all thanks to good Mr. McFergus yeah!!" And yes indeed a different place it most certainly is... Why, myself in person have spent many a happy hour shooting, er, shots onto the almond Riviera green: bull's eye! hole in one! trebles all round! It's always craic time at the Liffey Riviera so it is -but enough about me folks, let us all come together, today off all days, let us come together in a very real sense for the last one (literally) of Dermot McFergus. That's right, let us commune in Dermot's very special day, cos' it's all about him right? It's all about him. We don't just come here to celebrate him -we come to bury him."
(another breath)
"So now he's gone so he is -quite literally Dermot McFergus is now officially yesterday's, alleluia! ...how truly sad. Amen dear Dermot, fare thee well, God speed, and all these sorts of things. And now my friends, now we're mourning him, for yes we are, today our collective efforts are resting him to the ground where he belongs -amen to that! I don't mind telling yous folks, but back here in our van stationed outside Mads's mansion, there's simply not a dry eye in the house oh no! ...Fortunately Derek Whelan is on the case -oh yes we are- and yous my friends -yes yous- are in for a special treat -hell yeah- as we'll cover every single minute starting from the first second of our Dermot's special last day. In fact, I'll tell yous what: we have quite a treat in store for yous so we have! Like St-Paddy's, Cheltenham, Easter Friday and Christmas all at once and no mistake! So switch off the phone, loosen up the belt, grab a pizza and don't yous dare go anywhere for the next two hours -don't even think of nodding off! No toilet break allowed -think clever, recycle your bottle of Coke! No-but-serious, don't yous be wandering off anywhere and yous won't miss a minute of the ceremony! Dermot McFergus's Big Funeral! On TTE! -and it's coming live!!"
(little jingle)
"The action, the reactions, the full Monty, commentary by yours truly, it's all happening -and it's about to kick off right-about-now! Just look who's here who's decided to join us, the stars are out en force to celebrate Dermot's passing -Surely yous'll want to know, surely yous'll want to tell your clueless colleagues tomorrow around the cookie jar? Yous'll want to spill it to them: Like who's come to pay their homage? who didn't get an invite? and what oh what will they be wearing? Well we're just about to find out!!
As soon as we get the live feed, we'll even throw in the actual sermon delivered by Father De Visis no less! My ears on the ground already tell me that it will mainly consist of Revelations 23.69.123 ("and ye shall beget that which is humble unto ye forthwith yea God so there here endeth Ezebaiah's seed"), ingenuously mixed with some excerpts from Dermot's very own autobiography: Dermot McFergus-"Myself" (that's his third one that is, available in all good shops; failing that, it'll be at the Clondalkin's library for sure). Ah yes... The man himself... Who would have thought eh? Rags to riches... rashers to oil rigs... and yet the most sinceeere devotion to Our Lord the Saviour -That was our Dermot all right! Blessed be the man forevermore as millions of Dubs cross themselves at the mere mention of his name and the slightest of sights of his stables!
But first... first let's hand over to Moira for a quick recap of the forthcoming proceedings -Don't know about yous folks, but I can hardly wait myself!
Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Over to you."
-Moira "Over to me.
Right, and for those of yous who have only joined us, we are now bringing yous the premium coverage of Dermot McFergus's very own funeral. For Dermot McFergus was not just a renowned renovator of that great city of Dublin -and a brilliant mind at that-, he was also a devout Catholic. An industry baron, a builder, and yet a humble believer. His family has therefore insisted on a proper religious ceremony with all the trimmings and gold tassel which we will share with you lot in as much as the Parish will let us film.
This will constitute the first part of today's events.
We will then cross over to the burial grounds themselves in order to bring yous the actual laying down to earth -all the way down yes- thanks to our exclusive Camcopter for a better view of the action which we will then follow by bringing yous the excluuusive reactions of sample well-wishers if we can find any on the ground (they won't be in the air eh!). We then hope to be able to talk to Mads herself for some precious quality time: what must go through her mind at this moment in time, how will she cope without multimillionaire Dermot's loving presence, and what are her plans for her future with her adopted male model of a son? All this and much more ...in some moments' time.
We will then conclude our coverage with a quick voxpop of the man on the street as to what the passing of Dermot McFergus means to him exactly -please note that this may be shortened for technical reasons (such as whether we can find any English speaker.)
But first with your friendly host for this prestigious event.... to help us along the proceedings of what promises to be the funeral of the season so far, let's go straight to our very own Shoe Correspondent Belinda Savage sitting alongside Derek. Belinda."
-Belinda: "Moira."
-Moira: "Belinda. Afternoon-to-you and how-are-you-keeping Belinda."
-Belinda: "I'm doing grand why thank you Moira. Shoe Expert actually if you don't mind. ...Not all of us can be -whatchallit- "Haircut Specialist", see."
-Moira: "That's right Belinda, not everyone can tell the difference between a Paris Cumblast highlights and a Colm Bald Iroquois, can one? which I guess doesn't matter, though, when one is only required to describe people from a distance, right?"
-Belinda: "Right."
-Moira: "For sure."
-Belinda: "For real."
And this is why you are in the studio and I am the one in the filmomobile at this moment in time -End of.
This point of detail having been clarified for the benefit of our lovely viewers, we can now turn our thoughts to today's exciting occasion, what's already being billed the Funeral of the Season.
Forget about the "Santa Amorosa"'s duelling stars' crisscross acid bath and electrified toilet seat double demise, forget about Linda McMac's little boy drowning, forget even old miss Brady machine-gunned down to feck already -this, lovely viewers, this is tipped to be the one to look out for! This is it, no messin' about, the must-see event of the day, the absolute gas, the veritable meat on the bone, the grand-daddy of all Dub parties -this is the shit! Who will be there, who's wearing what, what generous sponsors have they conveyed to the occasion -everything you're dying to know (especially the lowdown on the deep and dirty) will be revealed! It's like Derek said, don't yous be thinking of hitting that remote control any time soon (or at least not before the end of my coverage) -you'd be a total muppet! Ask yourselves now: Do you want to be a muppet? Do you?? No, so there.
With me today to mark this occasion, I am very honoured to have a -like- superduper host who needs no introduction. / Groan, ten bucks say she's about to! / He is the man of a hundred openings, a thousand cocktails, a million infospecials on footballers' arrests: Mr. Derek Whelan In Person!! And may I just say, Derek, what an absolute honour it is to be literally sitting in your actual company on a day like this."
-Derek: "Why thanks a million Belinda -good girl yourself- cos' that's rrrright folks! coming at yous from the very scene itself live and direct, it is only me on the mike, aul' Derek Whelan to keep yous company -like Moira was just after telling yous, lovely audience, no longer than a moment ago actually."
-Belinda: "She sure did, did studio-bound Moira, she sure did, and aren't they lovely though Derek? I'd say they deserve their own shout-out, right? So helllllo lovely audience, we love you something massive! You're watching TTE -Enjoy!"
-Derek: "Alleluia! Now then, let's not get carried away Belinda, for we have serious business to attend to"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have Derek, as we are like totally mourning the passing of our -er- host today. ... Dergal McFergus."
-Derek: "Dermot. And so, like I was saying, the stars are out en force today to celebrate -nay: commiserate- the tragic end of Dermot's fatal life. All the big names are here, the biggest names in the country, they done us proud, they done us good, they have a heart of gold -and they're not afraid to exhibit it for our cameras.
My my my, let's get started already shall we? Now then... Who can I spot out there on the front porch with my little eye and my Bigleux binoculars if it isn't sex symbol Fran Cosgrave -the man in person! Fran Cosgrave, accompanied by flamboyant designer Keith Drugby ("flamboyant": 'know what I mean here? Nudge nudge wink wink!). Who else? There we can see, heiress to Duffy Sausages Ltd, mizz Susan Duffy, right fresh from her well-deserved vacation in the Maldives. Mizz Susan Duffy, and then TVfunnyman Baz the Boz (usually seen sparring on our channel with equally hilarious Finbar Moss and Father Moyles); TV soap diva Cillian Brandon; maneater shoe expert Tina McNamara (still in search of a catch-phrase); Genial Keith Duffy -looking very suave in a casual cashmere polo, very suave indeed-; Role Model for the children Deco Byrne (plays inside left-back for Shelbourne Rovers, that's who), Fran Cosgrave again -being escorted off the premises- oh, and many many more -Ah yes, what a turn-up!"
-Belinda: "Many many more for sure -Talking of which, Derek, isn't it your woman Claudie McBride I see out there chatting to Father Debifis?"
-Derek: "Tis indeed Belinda -well spotted our kid-, 'tis Claudie McBride and none other, Rob Duffy's girlfriend herself, resplendent in her salmon tracksuit and silver hand-bag -and don't forget the hat! Our Claudie sports a, er, seaweed green yoke with solid gold chains whipping her forehead -dead proper street. Right now, she's deep in talk with Father De Bisis so we sadly can't call her over and ask her how Rob's doing. Aw shucks, and what a sigh they make... Just look them two... Claudie certainly looks like she's able to hold her own with the best of them -even with men of the cloth!-, just check the way she's blowing breeze into Father De Bisis's face -it's like she hasn't got a care in the world!"
-Belinda: "Indeed she is, oh isn't she. Could it be -and I'm just vocalising aloud here- could it be she's more than a pair of double D reinforced? Could it? 'Tell you what though, 'would love to know what our Robbie has to say about her surely fascinating conversation... Not too impressed with her pumps either I am. Look mail order.
Now then, who else are we told is in attendance today... -Oh yes, camp champ Brian "Big Brother" Dowling; Daddy's Daughter Peaches Dullup -the very one who / adds her signature to these distressing shopping-lists of claptrap / writes these gripping and well-informed columns for "The Indo"; Tessa Turlington-Thawthorpe enjoying a joke with DJ Crassman here; ex-Justice Minister Malcolm McDowell; diminutive jockey Jock McFerguson; still no sign of any black person; Convicted Murderer Sensation Willo Byrne -ah but for the power of a new haircut!"
-Derek: "A new haircut for one ...and a good aul', hankies-out, TV confession exclusive for two Belinda! For -lest we forget- Willo's "My Bad" was the second highest rating on Early Evening Prime-Time National Cable TV last week -Beat that, Seamus Heaney! So anyway, here he is, everybody's favourite murderer, all cried out, already pardoned, enjoying a joke with Topless Model Lisa Burlington-Thornley -who shan't be displaying her magnificent breasts today since -so she told me this very morning through a paper I picked on a seat of the LUAS- "no fecker offered to cough up so" and at this stage I really must say -indulge me here Belinda- I really must say, we ought to name and shame whichever swine it was that refused her her due and prevented her from entertaining us in the manner we became accustomed to! (If only we knew who it was....) -Is all I have to say on this downright disgraceful state of affairs."
-Belinda: "Right you are, Derek. Good point well made."
-Derek: "But seriously Belinda -seriously- you tell me: What is the point of a zipped-up topless model? Eh?? What is it exactly? Has this world gone bonkers or what? It'd be like... it'd be like uprooting a soccer player from his pitch and asking him to hold a conversation! Or facing a member of the opposite sex stone cold sober!"
-Belinda: "Or trying to understand the plot of an American filum without watching its trailer first! What's the point!"
-Derek: "Precisely! What's the point! Well I ask you then!"
-Belinda: "You ask me!"
-Derek: "I ask you Belinda!"
-Belinda: "(???) Well I don't know for sure Derek... I can't really tell... (what da???)"
-Derek: "That's right Belinda: my point precisely: we just can't tell! It's not on, is what! It doesn't compute! Oh I don't know Belinda I just don't know, sometimes it seems to me... Seems to me we're experiencing a total lack of respect for our celebrated tarts -total lack of respect! Here, let me ask you this: how do you expect our small country to compete with the big boys out there and develop our very own Anna Nicole Smith ...when we have to suffer this flagrant attack of monetary correctness? Eh??"
-Belinda: "'Fecked if I know the answer to that! I must admit, Derek, you sure got me here... You are so right though: in this-day-n-age, surely our children could do with some positive role model yeah? Sure they do! I hear you good Derek: what example is this kind of behaviour setting? It's like... robbing our young wans of their future!"
-Derek: "Like totally, Belinda -and it's driving me fumes!! So here she is, our Lizzie in person, fannying about like la-di-dah D4 royalty, see her guzzling the Cointreau, see her nibbling at them tiny weenie rashers canapés -having a gay old time have we? And then look at them just look at them: two of the most lethal breasts in the whole of the Republic -still covered up at this stage of the game! That is brutal, that!"
-Belinda: "Too right you are! You tell 'em Dezz!"
-Derek: "Oh well, mustn't grumble I suppose -and it's Derek to you there's a good lass-, we'll have to make do with Plastic Surgery Disaster Marta Gronbowicz then. And there she is, top corner of your screen, hanging by the poolside bar -Point that fecking camera at her will you!- Marta is currently displaying her fifth nose job. This season, it is modelled after "a playful young cub" we are told. And very nice it is too."
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, I can also exclusively reveal Marta went for a "cheekbone readjustment procedure" earlier this year in order to resemble Natalia (?) Kinski. ...Or so she hoped." (Giggles.) "As we all know, she ended up looking like your woman after her fella's team has lost on penalties!"
-Derek, all cheerful: "Oh how we laughed Belinda, oh how we laughed indeed, but even that, that was nothing -compared to her earlier attempt to beat the world record of "beehive stung lips"! Oh happy days!!"
-Belinda: "Great craic that one, 'think I've still wet my knickers here... Half-hours upon half-hours of infotainment footage -Classic!"
-Derek: "Good old Marta eh... Still officially 33 after all these years you know, top girl herself..."
-Belinda: "She'll outlive us all Derek, she'll outlive us all..."
-Derek: "If she makes it past the next time she goes under. Which reminds me. Which reminds me, esteemed viewers: Throughout the course of this program, we have an exciting competition for your good selves to enjoy!"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have, oh lucky yous: an exciting competition courtesy of your very own TTE station, yay! Should be a grand one: nothing but the best for our viewers! But tell us more Derek, do tell us more!"
-Derek: "Right then, here goes. In association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"-, TTE offers yous the opportunity to spend a romantic evening at l'Escriteuuur Restaurant in Ballybollix Creek -with a full meal for two thrown in on top."
-Belinda: "Fancy!?"
-Derek: "A whole full meal (wine not included) on the week night of your choice, and all yous have to do to win yourselves this fabulous prize is... -now pay attention, here comes the question- ... tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by the current departed (Dermot McFergus, that is). Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? Text your answer to the premium number which should be appearing on your screen now (low-call tariff may not apply). Best luck yourselves, and don't forget Blurp Insurance -"the power to".
/ Sometimes fun is the hardest thing to bear. /
Friday, 13 July 2012
(Friday the 13th eh!)
You know that feeling when you're sooo tired -you almost want to cry and your belly aches! Sign of a good day. Quite productive. I hate to count but must have spent, say... a good 5/6 hours this afternoon/evening (it's now gone half past eleven)
-and yet it doesn't look like I've made much progress! (Should have numbered the pages, that'd give me a more accurate idea.) Still somewhere before the actual start, in a manner of speaking -there are a number of false starts ....and false endings involved.
Various bands/songs in the background or on my Internal Jukebox: the drone-like instrumental remixes of The Hope Blister -right up my street; the Wedding Present "Octopussy"; Rammstein (yes!) "Amerika"; the fabulous David Sylvian (esp. "Nostalgia"); Bloc Party "Your Visits Are Getting Shorter"...
Distant/secret references: Douglas Coupland, Chuck Palahniuk, Irvine Welsh, "Frasier", "The Simpsons"... Nothing to be ashamed of, then. OK, night night!
You know that feeling when you're sooo tired -you almost want to cry and your belly aches! Sign of a good day. Quite productive. I hate to count but must have spent, say... a good 5/6 hours this afternoon/evening (it's now gone half past eleven)
-and yet it doesn't look like I've made much progress! (Should have numbered the pages, that'd give me a more accurate idea.) Still somewhere before the actual start, in a manner of speaking -there are a number of false starts ....and false endings involved.
Various bands/songs in the background or on my Internal Jukebox: the drone-like instrumental remixes of The Hope Blister -right up my street; the Wedding Present "Octopussy"; Rammstein (yes!) "Amerika"; the fabulous David Sylvian (esp. "Nostalgia"); Bloc Party "Your Visits Are Getting Shorter"...
Distant/secret references: Douglas Coupland, Chuck Palahniuk, Irvine Welsh, "Frasier", "The Simpsons"... Nothing to be ashamed of, then. OK, night night!
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Irish English Dictionary
A short Anglo-Irish lexicon of love.
(Please note that this refers to 2007/2008, i.e. before the banking crash. There's obviously a new Taoiseach, G. Ryan's dead, etc.)
-"Absolutely" = "yes". I once explained that "absolutely" was the new "actually". Talking of which...
-"Actually". I postulated somewhere by "actually" reveals an epochal deep-seated anxiety on the speaker's part: as if everyone were now so unsure of being believed in this here age of Internet-based unreliability ...that they therefore engage in some sort of escalating mania for redundancy.
-Alliance Francaise = French cultural centre offering "the best coffee in Dublin" according to Irvine Welsh who used to take lessons there. Haunting place of various luminaries.
-"AMG" = "AhMyGahd". Unimaginative variation: "Oh. My. God. (you won't believe who I've just seen, etc. etc. etc.)."
-"Aul’ wan" = old woman.
-"Away with the fairies" = to have a bird brain, to be mad.
-"Back in the land of the living" = back in Dublin, usually from the countryside. Not often used by speakers hailing from outside the capital (see "Culchies").
-Ballyfermot = Dublin area, like Kilmainham, Donnybrook, Crumlin, Tallaght, Clondalkin...
-"Bertie" = the godfather. Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern.
-Bewley's = cafe slash restaurant where one goes to have a nice cup of tea after a spot of shopping in the adjourning Grafton Street.
-"The black stuff" = Guinness.
-"Bold" = naughty. ""Oh Ramon, but you are being awfully bold here", whimpered Lucinda, aglow with embarrassment and not a little shiver of excitement."
-"Bollix" = bollocks. The legend that is Roy Keane once famously invited his then national manager to "stick it up (his) bollix!", an anatomically inventive feat if there ever was one.
-"The-Brits" = the subjects of Her Britannic Majesty.
-"(by) the Bono!" = (taking a sacred name in vain) interjection denoting either pleasure or displeasure. Refers to Bono Vox (aka Paul Hewson), rock singer with U2 at night, cigar smoker / future President of Ireland (25/1 as I type) / ideal Pope / perennial Nobel Peace Prize nominee / hotelier by day.
-"Brutal" = not brutal per se, more like: terrible, serious, proper, hardcore.
-"Celtic Tiger" = that probably unique period in Irish history of financial prominence. No actual tiger is involved.
-Charlie Haughey = eighties Prime Minister whose, er, colourful personality and -cough cough- flamboyant finances did not meet with everybody's approval. The so-called "father of the Celtic Tiger", he abolished taxes for artists and granted free transport to pensioners.
-"C’m here till I tell ya" = an invitation to come forth, the speaker being in a talkative mood.
-"Craic" = fun; the essence of which is often the vexed subject of many an opening address, namely: "What’s the craic?!"
-"Croker" = Croke Park, one of the biggest stadiums in the whole of Europe, home of GAA and -until 2007- forbidden to "Anglo" sports such as soccer and rugby, on account of the 1920 massacre.
-"Culchie" = derogatory term meaning someone from outside Dublin. In the interest of balance, one must also mention the reverse insult aimed at Dubliners: "Jackeens" (with reference to the Union Jack).
-"Cute" = clever. "See this Loig7San -he’s awfully cute!"
-"Dear" = expensive.
-"Deco" = short for Declan. Guy who usually goes out with a girl named Sinead (-hey, some of my very best friends are called Deco!)
-D 4 = postcode to the posh part of Dublin (such as: Dun Laoghaire or Blackrock).
-(The) Dail = the Parliament.
-"Deadly" = great (appreciative).
-"Dub" = Dubliner (name and adjective); the salt of the earth; fecking useless at GAA since the eighties.
-Eamon Dunphy = ex-footballer turned media pundit. Never in lack of an opinion or ten. "Rabble-rouser" and "unmissable" are two adjectives often used in conjunction with the man.
-"Eejit" = idiot.
-"(to) Feak" = to kiss, to snog –one step short of to fuck.
-"filum" = film.
-FAI = Football Association of Ireland. Organism that once appointed Stan "Steve" Staunton manager of the national team.
-"Fair play to you" = well done, good for you.
-"Fecking" (and "focken", which is soundedly more brutal) = clever roundabout way not to utter another interjection whose correct spelling I'll leave to your imagination.
-"Fella" "Fellow" "Fellet" = boyfriend.
-"(to) Fret" = to worry.
-"Frog's Legs" = a potent supersweet cocktail of dubious colour aimed at young ladies in quest of a good time. Cf. also a "screaming orgasm", "sex on the beach", etc. -Yous get the general idea. It may not be advisable to buy someone a "Frog's Legs" when, unbeknown to you, that someone's burly father is standing right at the bar.
-GAA = a man's game (in fact, several); All-Ireland Gaelic games involve batting a ball -and sometimes an opponent- with a great fecking wooden spoon.
-"Gas ticket" = somebody fun, providing joy and a good laugh. "Baby Aibhin is such a gas ticket", exclaimed her mum "-it’s like having a new telly!"
-"Gaybo" = the venerable Gay Byrne, lifelong host of "The Late Late Show" and keen motorcyclist.
-"Gedda out of the park!" = you are having a laugh, my dear boy/girl.
-"Gee" = lady’s part (rude).
-(The) George = gay drinking establishment. Hosts jazz sessions on Sunday afternoons (and no, this is not a euphemism for something else).
-"(to) Give out" = to moan, whine, and generally let it all out for a refreshing frank and open.
-Gerry Ryan = inexplicable presence on the radio.
moving on to
-"Gobshite" = eejit.
-"Good for the goose" = susceptible of sexual conduct, as in "Hey dude, here comes Aoife -ay caramba!- do you reckon she’s good for the goose?"
-"Good luck!" = goodbye!
-"Good man yourself!" = well done!
-"Goodbye!" = good luck! -only joking. Means "Goodbye."
-"Grand" = that which is good, fine, and even great.
-Grainne Seoilge = the gods’ gift to TV viewers, Grainne Seoilge is a Bambi faced newsreader blessed with a peachy complexion, a sparkle in her almond eyes, a darling of a chin, and a full set of perfect teeth that come in handy for (all too rare) flashes of a smile.
And, oh, what an unfortunate juxtaposition we have here with the next term:
-"Ham shanking" = the practice of self-pollution.
-Haughey = see Charlie Haughey.
-"Holiers" = holidays.
-George Hook = mountain of a man who doesn’t half-like to pontificate on rugby and various subjects on the box and the radio. Blessed with a sandpapering voice which, once heard, is never forgotten. Everybody loves George Hook.
-"GSOH" = "Going Soft Or Homo" as in "Hey dude, ripped the remake of "Cannibal Holocaust" last night, the one made with children and fluffy little kittens you know? ...Huh. Didn't flip my switch, must be GSOH."
-"Hoor" = alarmingly affectionate accolade, made up -who would have guessed- after the word "whore". "See (insert name of choice) –what a cute little hoor!"
-"How's she cutting?" = how do you do. Cf. also "How's she hanging?", "What's the story (bud)!!", "Ah there you are".
-"Howsa." = how do you do, what’s up bitches?
-"(((((hug)))))" = sending good wishes to someone over the World Wide Web. IMHO, men just love to receive such messages -and talk about getting them to write one themselves!
-"IMHO" = "In My Humble Orifice" -er, opinion! In My Humble Opinion! (oops...)
-"It’s all good" = judgement of a probably appreciative nature.
-"Jaysus" = Jesus.
-Sinead Jennings = Olympian athlete and trainee nurse from county Donegal who sure does her country proud.
-Joanne Cantwell = beguiling sports TV presenter with a little side-smile, a studiously repressed glitter in the eye, and an accent that would melt butter at twenty paces.
-"Kecks" = trousers.
-"(we) Know how to enjoy ourselves" = we get piss*d a lot.
-"Know-what-I-mean" = like "actually" and "like", a mandatory part of any Dubliner sentence.
-Liffey = river smack in the middle of Dublin that supposedly separates civilisation from the wilderness (please note I am not saying which side is which; let's just point out that the airport was built for faster escape on the North side).
-"(the) Lights are on but there’s nobody home" = someone not overly endowed with powers of reflection. A footballer maybe, or a model.
-"Like." May just be heard uttered occasionally by da-yout-of-today. Pillar of any sentence, never used as a term of comparison. Makes for a nice sing-song stop at the end of any proposition like.
-"Like I said" = as I said (Americanism).
-Lillie’s Bordello = select hang-out de rigiour for the Colin Farrell bad-boy type. …Would also benefit from the patronage of wild wacky and wonderful novelists, mind.
-"LOL" = "lots of laughs" or "laughing out loud"; expression of amusement used by texters (or TxTrs, even). Does not mean "lots of love", as a certain person's mother believed and used to sign all her messages with -God love 'er.
-"LOLnot" = "laughing out loud -not"; expression of distinct non amusement used by texters.
-LUAS = the circular electric tramway.
-"Ma" = Mum.
-"Me" = my. Unless when it means "me".
-M50 = parking space masquerading as a circular motorway.
-"Morto" = mortified. "Dude, Eimear gave me the evil eye and I was -like- morto!"
-"Mot" = girlfriend.
-"Munter" = a young lady not blessed with pleasing looks.
-"Muppet" = idiot.
-"Myself" = more often than not, me. An extraordinary amount of people don’t seem to know the difference between "myself" (reflexive) and "me" (accusative). One gets to actually see "he looked at myself" printed in the paper (true).
-NLI = the National Library of Ireland -fair play to the NLI, says I!
-"Nice little ride" = young person whose pleasing appearance and overall genial demeanour elicit thoughts of a sexual nature. Good in the sack. "Check out Aoife dude, she looks like a nice little ride, know-what-I-mean?"
-"Noddies" = female breasts. As in "Gee dude, check the noddies on that little ride! Wouldn’t kick her out of bed if she farted!"
-"NOF" = "Not Office Friendly"; clearly someone who doesn't like offices. Probably someone who prefers working on his/her own. A freelancer, perhaps. Or a misunderstood genius novelist.
-"North Side" = the Liffey river defined half of Dublin which is generally considered to be the more working-class of the two. This being said, personalities such as Bertie Ahern and The Bono In Person are native Northsiders.
-(Senator) David Norris = flamboyant –in other words, gay- representative, human rights activist, Joyce scholar, and radio personality whose main historic legacy will have been to bring about the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the Republic of Ireland.
-"Now then." Warning before any course of action, usually stated when the person sits down.
-"Off The Rails" = the, like, most totally awesome show on the telly which Lily should, by rights, be fronting (even though it's not very good) instead of that old ******* of ****** ****** ***.
-"On me todd" = on my own.
-"OPW" = Office of Public Works.
-"Pal" = mate.
-Panti Hose = superlative drag-queen (at least seven feet tall) who would have dear-old-Oscar running for the hills. Traditionally hosts the highlight of Dublin’s annual social calendar: the election of "alternative miss Ireland".
-Pat Kenny = inexplicable presence on the radio and the television.
-"Plastic Paddy" = accusation levelled at that celtic brethren residing abroad who dares to be proud of its heritage. Who hasn't been labelled a "plastic Paddy" at some stage or another?
-Podge and Rodge = foul-mouthed TV puppets beloved of children of all ages. Catchphrase: "Talk to me sack!"
-"Poxy" = that which is of inferior quality. Shite.
-"Pulling the devil by the tail" = to be in top form.
-"Rashers" = meat-based product beloved of non-vegetarians.
-Roses of Tralee = talent show for young Celtic ladies selected the world over, the alpha and omega of Irishness. And Uma adds: could do with commissioning new talent to go down there and report in their inimitable style, know-what-I-mean! Takes place in Tralee.
-"ROFL" = Retching On the Floor, Legless -or, for the less poetically inclined, Rolling On the Floor Laughing.
-RTE = Radio Television Eireann; you could say the BBC is the UK's version of RTE.
-"Sambo" = sandwich. Now here is a local expression that would travel badly over the sea. As a rule, spoken abbreviations often take "o" as a suffix : cf. "Keano" for Keane, "Deco" for Declan, "The Indo" for "The Independent newspaper, and so on.
-"Scratcher" = bed.
-"Scoby" = some stuff, dat ting.
-"Scouldy" = rather lacking in cleanliness, one might say. Fecking shite like.
-"Shaking hands with the unemployed" = the act of micturating. "Splashing one’s boots."
-"Skanger" = derogatory description of a disreputable young person usually dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a baseball cap despite not thought to be frequenting a gymnasium or playing baseball.
-"(to) Slag someone" = to slag them off.
-"Slainte!" = cheers!
-"South Side" = the more opulent and touristic half of Dublin.
-"Spanner" = politically incorrect questioning of someone’s mental ability. Yet another idiot.
-"Sprog" = a wee little bairn. An infant, not always legitimate.
-"Spuds" = potatoes. The main course of "breakfast", "tea", and "supper" -along with MEAT of course (cf. rashers).
-"Steaming" = under the definitive influence of alcoholic beverages.
-"Straightener" = a "hair of the dog" drink ...or a punch administered to the face, the choice is yours.
-"(to be) Sucking diesel" = to be on a roll.
-"Talk-to-Joe" = popular radio program (actual name: "Liveline") hosted by Joe Duffy, a gentleman whose voice makes Eamon Dunphy sound like Enya. Ideal for the days when your local newsagent has run out of copies of "The Sun".
-"Talk to me brown!" = (extremely vulgar) indication of a lack of interest for someone’s forthcoming opinion.
-"(go) Take a long walk off a short pier!" = an invitation to off eff.
-"Tea" = lunch. And tea.
-TCD = Trinity College Dublin.
-TD = Teachta Dala (member of Parliament).
-Temple Bar = drinking district for foreign tourists, mainly British, policed by Eastern European bouncers. Also site of cultural institutions such as the IFI (Irish Film Institute), the National Photographic Archive, the Olympia theatre, as well as the organic market on Saturdays.
-"Thanks a million" = thank you (please note: no smaller amount will do).
-"That yoke" = anything, really.
-"The man himself" = your man.
-"To be perfectly honest wid cha," = a Dubliner's start to any sentence.
-"Toodleeoh!" = goodbye.
-"Trinners" = Trinity College for short.
-UCD = University College Dublin.
-UK, the = mysterious neighbouring country less economically advanced whence revellers (male and female) arrive every weekend to get intoxicated in Temple Bar.
-"Up the Dubs!" = local exhortation aimed at encouraging the GAA team to go and actually win some fecking thing after twenty-odd years of frustration.
-U2 = popular beat combo.
-VPL = visible panty line. "AMG, "whale tails" are like so last year's VPLs!"
-Louis Walsh = bachelor pop music manager personally responsible for Johnny Logan, "The X Factor", Westlife, Boyzone and Girls Aloud (…and it is sometimes claimed that Aleister Crowley was "the world’s most evil man" eh).
-"Wagon": less than appreciative comment on a woman.
-"(do you want to) Wake up with a crowd around you?" = "Do you want to have a go big man? huh? do you??" An invitation to engage in fisticuffs and get properly out knocked.
-"(to) Wreck someone’s bonce" = to get on someone’s top bollix, to do their head in.
-XXX = signatory "love and kisses" sign-off. Or, alternatively, hardcore porn.
-"Young Wan" = young woman.
-"Your man" = anyone really, anyone -except your actual man. He who is being talked about, the man on the street, etc..
Excerpt from "You Know Yourself 2.0"-Uma o'Gil. For any comment, here is a contact email: loig7san "at" gmail.com -peace, yo'all!
Some updating -at last.
Right, and this is quite exciting, but three/four years on, I have gone back to that Dub chicklit yoke and re-edited it. Let's be honest, and as those who came across its original incarnation will have noted, it was pretty awful! (Insert smiley emoticon here)
Here is not the place to detail the rather trying circumstances in which it was produced -suffice to say that it was... therapeutic.
A few years down the line, I have been able to take a few steps back and look at it again critically. Translation: am in the process of rewriting it almost entirely!
Here is not the place to detail the rather trying circumstances in which it was produced -suffice to say that it was... therapeutic.
A few years down the line, I have been able to take a few steps back and look at it again critically. Translation: am in the process of rewriting it almost entirely!
Friday, 17 June 2011
How the media works
You may want to go n check Le Dessoutitreur:
http://dessoutitreur.blogspot.com/2011_06_01_archive.html
http://dessoutitreur.blogspot.com/2011_06_01_archive.html
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