part 1 of "You Know Yourself 2.0" prologue

(please note that this is of course not the final version -a work is always "under construction" until it's sent off and printed) Coffee + vodka + grape juice, Arab Strap on. Uma o'Gil all rights reserved 0012.


---------------- Prologue (Funeral Of The Season) ---------------

-Moira: "And off we go now to Victoria Gardens for a very special live coverage of this week's Social Funeral brought to you by Carterouge Casinos -"Gambling is fun with Carterouge Casinos"- and to present this program Ladies 'n Gentlemen who better than please be upstanding for here he comes your host the man himself may I give you right away this very moment in person the one and only -Derek Whelan! ... Over to you Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira.


For yes indeeeeed -and a very good afternoon to yous all- this is Derek Whelan speaking, 'hope you're feeling grand -myself smashing super, thanks for asking!-, Derek Whelan on the mike then welcoming yous to this week's Social Funeral "The Biiiiig One" as we find ourselves peering through the gate of the gooooorgeous summer residence of TV celebrity Madleen "Mads" Koszak. Ah yes peering we are -peering with both eyes open too- for we are gathered here today at this very place to pay tribute -nay- pay our deepest respects to Mads' s latest husband -or should I say ex-latest husband ha ha- property developer Dermot McFergus. Dermot, you may recall, is best remembered for giving Dublin a decisive hand -and a finger as well!- onto the ladder to its world class status ah yes by razing to the ground its unsightly tower blocks (tss tss!) and replacing them with the deliiightful McFergus Stables Co. Inc. Ltd. which are a veritable credit to our great horse-racing nation." (breathes in) "The McFergus Stables he literally built, and the "Liffey Riviera" golf course too for it was him -him!-, the man behind the brains of the "Liffey Riviera"! Him and no other!! So move over, you Donald Trump, move over, you greedy bling-bling developers: McFergus's the name! -And one suspects it'll always be. (At least until the corporate takeover.) The McFergus Stables then, the Liffey Riviera: out-stan-ding, simply out-stan-ding I'd say you would agree with me, such is your man's legacy. Memorable for all sorts of reasons, sticking out like nobody's business in our venerable town of proud heritage and grand tradition -that's the McFergus style! For your man was unafraid oh, he was unafraid to ruffle feathers -your man was simply deadly.


You know -I'll tell you some'-, people come up to me in the street -they come from all walks of life too-, they say: "Derek Derek, I was born here, right? I grow up here... maybe forty years, forty-five at the max -I know I know, I don't look a day over thirty-nine but- and I'll tell you what, pal: Dublin... It's like a different place altogether today, it's like it's not the same anymore it isn't -and that's all thanks to good Mr. McFergus yeah!!" And yes indeed a different place it most certainly is... Why, myself in person have spent many a happy hour shooting, er, shots onto the almond Riviera green: bull's eye! hole in one! trebles all round! It's always craic time at the Liffey Riviera so it is -but enough about me folks, let us all come together, today off all days, let us come together in a very real sense for the last one (literally) of Dermot McFergus. That's right, let us commune in Dermot's very special day, cos' it's all about him right? It's all about him. We don't just come here to celebrate him -we come to bury him."

(another breath)


"So now he's gone so he is -quite literally Dermot McFergus is now officially yesterday's, alleluia! ...how truly sad. Amen dear Dermot, fare thee well, God speed, and all these sorts of things. And now my friends, now we're mourning him, for yes we are, today our collective efforts are resting him to the ground where he belongs -amen to that! I don't mind telling yous folks, but back here in our van stationed outside Mads's mansion, there's simply not a dry eye in the house oh no! ...Fortunately Derek Whelan is on the case -oh yes we are- and yous my friends -yes yous- are in for a special treat -hell yeah- as we'll cover every single minute starting from the first second of our Dermot's special last day. In fact, I'll tell yous what: we have quite a treat in store for yous so we have! Like St-Paddy's, Cheltenham, Easter Friday and Christmas all at once and no mistake! So switch off the phone, loosen up the belt, grab a pizza and don't yous dare go anywhere for the next two hours -don't even think of nodding off! No toilet break allowed -think clever, recycle your bottle of Coke! No-but-serious, don't yous be wandering off anywhere and yous won't miss a minute of the ceremony! Dermot McFergus's Big Funeral! On TTE! -and it's coming live!!"
(little jingle)
"The action, the reactions, the full Monty, commentary by yours truly, it's all happening -and it's about to kick off right-about-now! Just look who's here who's decided to join us, the stars are out en force to celebrate Dermot's passing -Surely yous'll want to know, surely yous'll want to tell your clueless colleagues tomorrow around the cookie jar? Yous'll want to spill it to them: Like who's come to pay their homage? who didn't get an invite? and what oh what will they be wearing? Well we're just about to find out!!


As soon as we get the live feed, we'll even throw in the actual sermon delivered by Father De Visis no less! My ears on the ground already tell me that it will mainly consist of Revelations 23.69.123 ("and ye shall beget that which is humble unto ye forthwith yea God so there here endeth Ezebaiah's seed"), ingenuously mixed with some excerpts from Dermot's very own autobiography: Dermot McFergus-"Myself" (that's his third one that is, available in all good shops; failing that, it'll be at the Clondalkin's library for sure). Ah yes... The man himself... Who would have thought eh? Rags to riches... rashers to oil rigs... and yet the most sinceeere devotion to Our Lord the Saviour -That was our Dermot all right! Blessed be the man forevermore as millions of Dubs cross themselves at the mere mention of his name and the slightest of sights of his stables!

But first... first let's hand over to Moira for a quick recap of the forthcoming proceedings -Don't know about yous folks, but I can hardly wait myself!
Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Over to you."
-Moira "Over to me.


Right, and for those of yous who have only joined us, we are now bringing yous the premium coverage of Dermot McFergus's very own funeral. For Dermot McFergus was not just a renowned renovator of that great city of Dublin -and a brilliant mind at that-, he was also a devout Catholic. An industry baron, a builder, and yet a humble believer. His family has therefore insisted on a proper religious ceremony with all the trimmings and gold tassel which we will share with you lot in as much as the Parish will let us film.

This will constitute the first part of today's events.
We will then cross over to the burial grounds themselves in order to bring yous the actual laying down to earth -all the way down yes- thanks to our exclusive Camcopter for a better view of the action which we will then follow by bringing yous the excluuusive reactions of sample well-wishers if we can find any on the ground (they won't be in the air eh!). We then hope to be able to talk to Mads herself for some precious quality time: what must go through her mind at this moment in time, how will she cope without multimillionaire Dermot's loving presence, and what are her plans for her future with her adopted male model of a son? All this and much more ...in some moments' time.
We will then conclude our coverage with a quick voxpop of the man on the street as to what the passing of Dermot McFergus means to him exactly -please note that this may be shortened for technical reasons (such as whether we can find any English speaker.)

But first with your friendly host for this prestigious event.... to help us along the proceedings of what promises to be the funeral of the season so far, let's go straight to our very own Shoe Correspondent Belinda Savage sitting alongside Derek. Belinda."
-Belinda: "Moira."
-Moira: "Belinda. Afternoon-to-you and how-are-you-keeping Belinda."
-Belinda: "I'm doing grand why thank you Moira. Shoe Expert actually if you don't mind. ...Not all of us can be -whatchallit- "Haircut Specialist", see."
-Moira: "That's right Belinda, not everyone can tell the difference between a Paris Cumblast highlights and a Colm Bald Iroquois, can one? which I guess doesn't matter, though, when one is only required to describe people from a distance, right?"
-Belinda: "Right."
-Moira: "For sure."
-Belinda: "For real."
And this is why you are in the studio and I am the one in the filmomobile at this moment in time -End of.

This point of detail having been clarified for the benefit of our lovely viewers, we can now turn our thoughts to today's exciting occasion, what's already being billed the Funeral of the Season.

Forget about the "Santa Amorosa"'s duelling stars' crisscross acid bath and electrified toilet seat double demise, forget about Linda McMac's little boy drowning, forget even old miss Brady machine-gunned down to feck already -this, lovely viewers, this is tipped to be the one to look out for! This is it, no messin' about, the must-see event of the day, the absolute gas, the veritable meat on the bone, the grand-daddy of all Dub parties -this is the shit! Who will be there, who's wearing what, what generous sponsors have they conveyed to the occasion -everything you're dying to know (especially the lowdown on the deep and dirty) will be revealed! It's like Derek said, don't yous be thinking of hitting that remote control any time soon (or at least not before the end of my coverage) -you'd be a total muppet! Ask yourselves now: Do you want to be a muppet? Do you?? No, so there.


With me today to mark this occasion, I am very honoured to have a -like- superduper host who needs no introduction. / Groan, ten bucks say she's about to! / He is the man of a hundred openings, a thousand cocktails, a million infospecials on footballers' arrests: Mr. Derek Whelan In Person!! And may I just say, Derek, what an absolute honour it is to be literally sitting in your actual company on a day like this."
-Derek: "Why thanks a million Belinda -good girl yourself- cos' that's rrrright folks! coming at yous from the very scene itself live and direct, it is only me on the mike, aul' Derek Whelan to keep yous company -like Moira was just after telling yous, lovely audience, no longer than a moment ago actually."
-Belinda: "She sure did, did studio-bound Moira, she sure did, and aren't they lovely though Derek? I'd say they deserve their own shout-out, right? So helllllo lovely audience, we love you something massive! You're watching TTE -Enjoy!"
-Derek: "Alleluia! Now then, let's not get carried away Belinda, for we have serious business to attend to"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have Derek, as we are like totally mourning the passing of our -er- host today. ... Dergal McFergus."
-Derek: "Dermot. And so, like I was saying, the stars are out en force today to celebrate -nay: commiserate- the tragic end of Dermot's fatal life. All the big names are here, the biggest names in the country, they done us proud, they done us good, they have a heart of gold -and they're not afraid to exhibit it for our cameras.

My my my, let's get started already shall we? Now then... Who can I spot out there on the front porch with my little eye and my Bigleux binoculars if it isn't sex symbol Fran Cosgrave -the man in person! Fran Cosgrave, accompanied by flamboyant designer Keith Drugby ("flamboyant": 'know what I mean here? Nudge nudge wink wink!). Who else? There we can see, heiress to Duffy Sausages Ltd, mizz Susan Duffy, right fresh from her well-deserved vacation in the Maldives. Mizz Susan Duffy, and then TVfunnyman Baz the Boz (usually seen sparring on our channel with equally hilarious Finbar Moss and Father Moyles); TV soap diva Cillian Brandon; maneater shoe expert Tina McNamara (still in search of a catch-phrase); Genial Keith Duffy -looking very suave in a casual cashmere polo, very suave indeed-; Role Model for the children Deco Byrne (plays inside left-back for Shelbourne Rovers, that's who), Fran Cosgrave again -being escorted off the premises- oh, and many many more -Ah yes, what a turn-up!"
-Belinda: "Many many more for sure -Talking of which, Derek, isn't it your woman Claudie McBride I see out there chatting to Father Debifis?"
-Derek: "Tis indeed Belinda -well spotted our kid-, 'tis Claudie McBride and none other, Rob Duffy's girlfriend herself, resplendent in her salmon tracksuit and silver hand-bag -and don't forget the hat! Our Claudie sports a, er, seaweed green yoke with solid gold chains whipping her forehead -dead proper street. Right now, she's deep in talk with Father De Bisis so we sadly can't call her over and ask her how Rob's doing. Aw shucks, and what a sigh they make... Just look them two... Claudie certainly looks like she's able to hold her own with the best of them -even with men of the cloth!-, just check the way she's blowing breeze into Father De Bisis's face -it's like she hasn't got a care in the world!"
-Belinda: "Indeed she is, oh isn't she. Could it be -and I'm just vocalising aloud here- could it be she's more than a pair of double D reinforced? Could it? 'Tell you what though, 'would love to know what our Robbie has to say about her surely fascinating conversation... Not too impressed with her pumps either I am. Look mail order.

Now then, who else are we told is in attendance today... -Oh yes, camp champ Brian "Big Brother" Dowling; Daddy's Daughter Peaches Dullup -the very one who / adds her signature to these distressing shopping-lists of claptrap / writes these gripping and well-informed columns for "The Indo"; Tessa Turlington-Thawthorpe enjoying a joke with DJ Crassman here; ex-Justice Minister Malcolm McDowell; diminutive jockey Jock McFerguson; still no sign of any black person; Convicted Murderer Sensation Willo Byrne -ah but for the power of a new haircut!"
-Derek: "A new haircut for one ...and a good aul', hankies-out, TV confession exclusive for two Belinda! For -lest we forget- Willo's "My Bad" was the second highest rating on Early Evening Prime-Time National Cable TV last week -Beat that, Seamus Heaney! So anyway, here he is, everybody's favourite murderer, all cried out, already pardoned, enjoying a joke with Topless Model Lisa Burlington-Thornley -who shan't be displaying her magnificent breasts today since -so she told me this very morning through a paper I picked on a seat of the LUAS- "no fecker offered to cough up so" and at this stage I really must say -indulge me here Belinda- I really must say, we ought to name and shame whichever swine it was that refused her her due and prevented her from entertaining us in the manner we became accustomed to! (If only we knew who it was....) -Is all I have to say on this downright disgraceful state of affairs."
-Belinda: "Right you are, Derek. Good point well made."
-Derek: "But seriously Belinda -seriously- you tell me: What is the point of a zipped-up topless model? Eh?? What is it exactly? Has this world gone bonkers or what? It'd be like... it'd be like uprooting a soccer player from his pitch and asking him to hold a conversation! Or facing a member of the opposite sex stone cold sober!"
-Belinda: "Or trying to understand the plot of an American filum without watching its trailer first! What's the point!"
-Derek: "Precisely! What's the point! Well I ask you then!"
-Belinda: "You ask me!"
-Derek: "I ask you Belinda!"
-Belinda: "(???) Well I don't know for sure Derek... I can't really tell... (what da???)"
-Derek: "That's right Belinda: my point precisely: we just can't tell! It's not on, is what! It doesn't compute! Oh I don't know Belinda I just don't know, sometimes it seems to me... Seems to me we're experiencing a total lack of respect for our celebrated tarts -total lack of respect! Here, let me ask you this: how do you expect our small country to compete with the big boys out there and develop our very own Anna Nicole Smith ...when we have to suffer this flagrant attack of monetary correctness? Eh??"
-Belinda: "'Fecked if I know the answer to that! I must admit, Derek, you sure got me here... You are so right though: in this-day-n-age, surely our children could do with some positive role model yeah? Sure they do! I hear you good Derek: what example is this kind of behaviour setting? It's like... robbing our young wans of their future!"
-Derek: "Like totally, Belinda -and it's driving me fumes!! So here she is, our Lizzie in person, fannying about like la-di-dah D4 royalty, see her guzzling the Cointreau, see her nibbling at them tiny weenie rashers canapés -having a gay old time have we? And then look at them just look at them: two of the most lethal breasts in the whole of the Republic -still covered up at this stage of the game! That is brutal, that!"
-Belinda: "Too right you are! You tell 'em Dezz!"
-Derek: "Oh well, mustn't grumble I suppose -and it's Derek to you there's a good lass-, we'll have to make do with Plastic Surgery Disaster Marta Gronbowicz then. And there she is, top corner of your screen, hanging by the poolside bar -Point that fecking camera at her will you!- Marta is currently displaying her fifth nose job. This season, it is modelled after "a playful young cub" we are told. And very nice it is too."
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, I can also exclusively reveal Marta went for a "cheekbone readjustment procedure" earlier this year in order to resemble Natalia (?) Kinski. ...Or so she hoped." (Giggles.) "As we all know, she ended up looking like your woman after her fella's team has lost on penalties!"
-Derek, all cheerful: "Oh how we laughed Belinda, oh how we laughed indeed, but even that, that was nothing -compared to her earlier attempt to beat the world record of "beehive stung lips"! Oh happy days!!"
-Belinda: "Great craic that one, 'think I've still wet my knickers here... Half-hours upon half-hours of infotainment footage -Classic!"
-Derek: "Good old Marta eh... Still officially 33 after all these years you know, top girl herself..."
-Belinda: "She'll outlive us all Derek, she'll outlive us all..."
-Derek: "If she makes it past the next time she goes under. Which reminds me. Which reminds me, esteemed viewers: Throughout the course of this program, we have an exciting competition for your good selves to enjoy!"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have, oh lucky yous: an exciting competition courtesy of your very own TTE station, yay! Should be a grand one: nothing but the best for our viewers! But tell us more Derek, do tell us more!"
-Derek: "Right then, here goes. In association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"-, TTE offers yous the opportunity to spend a romantic evening at l'Escriteuuur Restaurant in Ballybollix Creek -with a full meal for two thrown in on top."
-Belinda: "Fancy!?"
-Derek: "A whole full meal (wine not included) on the week night of your choice, and all yous have to do to win yourselves this fabulous prize is... -now pay attention, here comes the question- ... tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by the current departed (Dermot McFergus, that is). Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? Text your answer to the premium number which should be appearing on your screen now (low-call tariff may not apply). Best luck yourselves, and don't forget Blurp Insurance -"the power to".


/ Sometimes fun is the hardest thing to bear. /

 

Irish English Dictionary

A short Anglo-Irish lexicon of love.

(Please note that this refers to 2007/2008, i.e. before the banking crash. There's obviously a new Taoiseach, G. Ryan's dead, etc.)

-"Absolutely" = "yes". I once explained that "absolutely" was the new "actually". Talking of which...
-"Actually". I postulated somewhere by "actually" reveals an epochal deep-seated anxiety on the speaker's part: as if everyone were now so unsure of being believed in this here age of Internet-based unreliability ...that they therefore engage in some sort of escalating mania for redundancy.
-Alliance Francaise = French cultural centre offering "the best coffee in Dublin" according to Irvine Welsh who used to take lessons there. Haunting place of various luminaries.
-"AMG" = "AhMyGahd". Unimaginative variation: "Oh. My. God. (you won't believe who I've just seen, etc. etc. etc.)."
-"Aul’ wan" = old woman.
-"Away with the fairies" = to have a bird brain, to be mad.
-"Back in the land of the living" = back in Dublin, usually from the countryside. Not often used by speakers hailing from outside the capital (see "Culchies").
-Ballyfermot = Dublin area, like Kilmainham, Donnybrook, Crumlin, Tallaght, Clondalkin...
-"Bertie" = the godfather. Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern.
-Bewley's = cafe slash restaurant where one goes to have a nice cup of tea after a spot of shopping in the adjourning Grafton Street.
-"The black stuff" = Guinness.
-"Bold" = naughty. ""Oh Ramon, but you are being awfully bold here", whimpered Lucinda, aglow with embarrassment and not a little shiver of excitement."
-"Bollix" = bollocks. The legend that is Roy Keane once famously invited his then national manager to "stick it up (his) bollix!", an anatomically inventive feat if there ever was one.
-"The-Brits" = the subjects of Her Britannic Majesty.
-"(by) the Bono!" = (taking a sacred name in vain) interjection denoting either pleasure or displeasure. Refers to Bono Vox (aka Paul Hewson), rock singer with U2 at night, cigar smoker / future President of Ireland (25/1 as I type) / ideal Pope / perennial Nobel Peace Prize nominee / hotelier by day.
-"Brutal" = not brutal per se, more like: terrible, serious, proper, hardcore.
-"Celtic Tiger" = that probably unique period in Irish history of financial prominence. No actual tiger is involved.
-Charlie Haughey = eighties Prime Minister whose, er, colourful personality and -cough cough- flamboyant finances did not meet with everybody's approval. The so-called "father of the Celtic Tiger", he abolished taxes for artists and granted free transport to pensioners.
-"C’m here till I tell ya" = an invitation to come forth, the speaker being in a talkative mood.
-"Craic" = fun; the essence of which is often the vexed subject of many an opening address, namely: "What’s the craic?!"
-"Croker" = Croke Park, one of the biggest stadiums in the whole of Europe, home of GAA and -until 2007- forbidden to "Anglo" sports such as soccer and rugby, on account of the 1920 massacre.
-"Culchie" = derogatory term meaning someone from outside Dublin. In the interest of balance, one must also mention the reverse insult aimed at Dubliners: "Jackeens" (with reference to the Union Jack).
-"Cute" = clever. "See this Loig7San -he’s awfully cute!"
-"Dear" = expensive.
-"Deco" = short for Declan. Guy who usually goes out with a girl named Sinead (-hey, some of my very best friends are called Deco!)
-D 4 = postcode to the posh part of Dublin (such as: Dun Laoghaire or Blackrock).
-(The) Dail = the Parliament.
-"Deadly" = great (appreciative).
-"Dub" = Dubliner (name and adjective); the salt of the earth; fecking useless at GAA since the eighties.
-Eamon Dunphy = ex-footballer turned media pundit. Never in lack of an opinion or ten. "Rabble-rouser" and "unmissable" are two adjectives often used in conjunction with the man.
-"Eejit" = idiot.
-"(to) Feak" = to kiss, to snog –one step short of to fuck.
-"filum" = film.
-FAI = Football Association of Ireland. Organism that once appointed Stan "Steve" Staunton manager of the national team.
-"Fair play to you" = well done, good for you.
-"Fecking" (and "focken", which is soundedly more brutal) = clever roundabout way not to utter another interjection whose correct spelling I'll leave to your imagination.
-"Fella" "Fellow" "Fellet" = boyfriend.
-"(to) Fret" = to worry.
-"Frog's Legs" = a potent supersweet cocktail of dubious colour aimed at young ladies in quest of a good time. Cf. also a "screaming orgasm", "sex on the beach", etc. -Yous get the general idea. It may not be advisable to buy someone a "Frog's Legs" when, unbeknown to you, that someone's burly father is standing right at the bar.
-GAA = a man's game (in fact, several); All-Ireland Gaelic games involve batting a ball -and sometimes an opponent- with a great fecking wooden spoon.
-"Gas ticket" = somebody fun, providing joy and a good laugh. "Baby Aibhin is such a gas ticket", exclaimed her mum "-it’s like having a new telly!"
-"Gaybo" = the venerable Gay Byrne, lifelong host of "The Late Late Show" and keen motorcyclist.
-"Gedda out of the park!" = you are having a laugh, my dear boy/girl.
-"Gee" = lady’s part (rude).
-(The) George = gay drinking establishment. Hosts jazz sessions on Sunday afternoons (and no, this is not a euphemism for something else).
-"(to) Give out" = to moan, whine, and generally let it all out for a refreshing frank and open.
-Gerry Ryan = inexplicable presence on the radio.
moving on to
-"Gobshite" = eejit.
-"Good for the goose" = susceptible of sexual conduct, as in "Hey dude, here comes Aoife -ay caramba!- do you reckon she’s good for the goose?"
-"Good luck!" = goodbye!
-"Good man yourself!" = well done!
-"Goodbye!" = good luck! -only joking. Means "Goodbye."
-"Grand" = that which is good, fine, and even great.
-Grainne Seoilge = the gods’ gift to TV viewers, Grainne Seoilge is a Bambi faced newsreader blessed with a peachy complexion, a sparkle in her almond eyes, a darling of a chin, and a full set of perfect teeth that come in handy for (all too rare) flashes of a smile.
And, oh, what an unfortunate juxtaposition we have here with the next term:
-"Ham shanking" = the practice of self-pollution.
-Haughey = see Charlie Haughey.
-"Holiers" = holidays.
-George Hook = mountain of a man who doesn’t half-like to pontificate on rugby and various subjects on the box and the radio. Blessed with a sandpapering voice which, once heard, is never forgotten. Everybody loves George Hook.
-"GSOH" = "Going Soft Or Homo" as in "Hey dude, ripped the remake of "Cannibal Holocaust" last night, the one made with children and fluffy little kittens you know? ...Huh. Didn't flip my switch, must be GSOH."
-"Hoor" = alarmingly affectionate accolade, made up -who would have guessed- after the word "whore". "See (insert name of choice) –what a cute little hoor!"
-"How's she cutting?" = how do you do. Cf. also "How's she hanging?", "What's the story (bud)!!", "Ah there you are".
-"Howsa." = how do you do, what’s up bitches?
-"(((((hug)))))" = sending good wishes to someone over the World Wide Web. IMHO, men just love to receive such messages -and talk about getting them to write one themselves!
-"IMHO" = "In My Humble Orifice" -er, opinion! In My Humble Opinion! (oops...)
-"It’s all good" = judgement of a probably appreciative nature.
-"Jaysus" = Jesus.
-Sinead Jennings = Olympian athlete and trainee nurse from county Donegal who sure does her country proud.
-Joanne Cantwell = beguiling sports TV presenter with a little side-smile, a studiously repressed glitter in the eye, and an accent that would melt butter at twenty paces.
-"Kecks" = trousers.
-"(we) Know how to enjoy ourselves" = we get piss*d a lot.
-"Know-what-I-mean" = like "actually" and "like", a mandatory part of any Dubliner sentence.
-Liffey = river smack in the middle of Dublin that supposedly separates civilisation from the wilderness (please note I am not saying which side is which; let's just point out that the airport was built for faster escape on the North side).
-"(the) Lights are on but there’s nobody home" = someone not overly endowed with powers of reflection. A footballer maybe, or a model.
-"Like." May just be heard uttered occasionally by da-yout-of-today. Pillar of any sentence, never used as a term of comparison. Makes for a nice sing-song stop at the end of any proposition like.
-"Like I said" = as I said (Americanism).
-Lillie’s Bordello = select hang-out de rigiour for the Colin Farrell bad-boy type. …Would also benefit from the patronage of wild wacky and wonderful novelists, mind.
-"LOL" = "lots of laughs" or "laughing out loud"; expression of amusement used by texters (or TxTrs, even). Does not mean "lots of love", as a certain person's mother believed and used to sign all her messages with -God love 'er.
-"LOLnot" = "laughing out loud -not"; expression of distinct non amusement used by texters.
-LUAS = the circular electric tramway.
-"Ma" = Mum.
-"Me" = my. Unless when it means "me".
-M50 = parking space masquerading as a circular motorway.
-"Morto" = mortified. "Dude, Eimear gave me the evil eye and I was -like- morto!"
-"Mot" = girlfriend.
-"Munter" = a young lady not blessed with pleasing looks.
-"Muppet" = idiot.
-"Myself" = more often than not, me. An extraordinary amount of people don’t seem to know the difference between "myself" (reflexive) and "me" (accusative). One gets to actually see "he looked at myself" printed in the paper (true).
-NLI = the National Library of Ireland -fair play to the NLI, says I!
-"Nice little ride" = young person whose pleasing appearance and overall genial demeanour elicit thoughts of a sexual nature. Good in the sack. "Check out Aoife dude, she looks like a nice little ride, know-what-I-mean?"
-"Noddies" = female breasts. As in "Gee dude, check the noddies on that little ride! Wouldn’t kick her out of bed if she farted!"
-"NOF" = "Not Office Friendly"; clearly someone who doesn't like offices. Probably someone who prefers working on his/her own. A freelancer, perhaps. Or a misunderstood genius novelist.
-"North Side" = the Liffey river defined half of Dublin which is generally considered to be the more working-class of the two. This being said, personalities such as Bertie Ahern and The Bono In Person are native Northsiders.
-(Senator) David Norris = flamboyant –in other words, gay- representative, human rights activist, Joyce scholar, and radio personality whose main historic legacy will have been to bring about the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the Republic of Ireland.
-"Now then." Warning before any course of action, usually stated when the person sits down.
-"Off The Rails" = the, like, most totally awesome show on the telly which Lily should, by rights, be fronting (even though it's not very good) instead of that old ******* of ****** ****** ***.
-"On me todd" = on my own.
-"OPW" = Office of Public Works.
-"Pal" = mate.
-Panti Hose = superlative drag-queen (at least seven feet tall) who would have dear-old-Oscar running for the hills. Traditionally hosts the highlight of Dublin’s annual social calendar: the election of "alternative miss Ireland".
-Pat Kenny = inexplicable presence on the radio and the television.
-"Plastic Paddy" = accusation levelled at that celtic brethren residing abroad who dares to be proud of its heritage. Who hasn't been labelled a "plastic Paddy" at some stage or another?
-Podge and Rodge = foul-mouthed TV puppets beloved of children of all ages. Catchphrase: "Talk to me sack!"
-"Poxy" = that which is of inferior quality. Shite.
-"Pulling the devil by the tail" = to be in top form.
-"Rashers" = meat-based product beloved of non-vegetarians.
-Roses of Tralee = talent show for young Celtic ladies selected the world over, the alpha and omega of Irishness. And Uma adds: could do with commissioning new talent to go down there and report in their inimitable style, know-what-I-mean! Takes place in Tralee.
-"ROFL" = Retching On the Floor, Legless -or, for the less poetically inclined, Rolling On the Floor Laughing.
-RTE = Radio Television Eireann; you could say the BBC is the UK's version of RTE.
-"Sambo" = sandwich. Now here is a local expression that would travel badly over the sea. As a rule, spoken abbreviations often take "o" as a suffix : cf. "Keano" for Keane, "Deco" for Declan, "The Indo" for "The Independent newspaper, and so on.
-"Scratcher" = bed.
-"Scoby" = some stuff, dat ting.
-"Scouldy" = rather lacking in cleanliness, one might say. Fecking shite like.
-"Shaking hands with the unemployed" = the act of micturating. "Splashing one’s boots."
-"Skanger" = derogatory description of a disreputable young person usually dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a baseball cap despite not thought to be frequenting a gymnasium or playing baseball.
-"(to) Slag someone" = to slag them off.
-"Slainte!" = cheers!
-"South Side" = the more opulent and touristic half of Dublin.
-"Spanner" = politically incorrect questioning of someone’s mental ability. Yet another idiot.
-"Sprog" = a wee little bairn. An infant, not always legitimate.
-"Spuds" = potatoes. The main course of "breakfast", "tea", and "supper" -along with MEAT of course (cf. rashers).
-"Steaming" = under the definitive influence of alcoholic beverages.
-"Straightener" = a "hair of the dog" drink ...or a punch administered to the face, the choice is yours.
-"(to be) Sucking diesel" = to be on a roll.
-"Talk-to-Joe" = popular radio program (actual name: "Liveline") hosted by Joe Duffy, a gentleman whose voice makes Eamon Dunphy sound like Enya. Ideal for the days when your local newsagent has run out of copies of "The Sun".
-"Talk to me brown!" = (extremely vulgar) indication of a lack of interest for someone’s forthcoming opinion.
-"(go) Take a long walk off a short pier!" = an invitation to off eff.
-"Tea" = lunch. And tea.
-TCD = Trinity College Dublin.
-TD = Teachta Dala (member of Parliament).
-Temple Bar = drinking district for foreign tourists, mainly British, policed by Eastern European bouncers. Also site of cultural institutions such as the IFI (Irish Film Institute), the National Photographic Archive, the Olympia theatre, as well as the organic market on Saturdays.
-"Thanks a million" = thank you (please note: no smaller amount will do).
-"That yoke" = anything, really.
-"The man himself" = your man.
-"To be perfectly honest wid cha," = a Dubliner's start to any sentence.
-"Toodleeoh!" = goodbye.
-"Trinners" = Trinity College for short.
-UCD = University College Dublin.
-UK, the = mysterious neighbouring country less economically advanced whence revellers (male and female) arrive every weekend to get intoxicated in Temple Bar.
-"Up the Dubs!" = local exhortation aimed at encouraging the GAA team to go and actually win some fecking thing after twenty-odd years of frustration.
-U2 = popular beat combo.
-VPL = visible panty line. "AMG, "whale tails" are like so last year's VPLs!"
-Louis Walsh = bachelor pop music manager personally responsible for Johnny Logan, "The X Factor", Westlife, Boyzone and Girls Aloud (…and it is sometimes claimed that Aleister Crowley was "the world’s most evil man" eh).
-"Wagon": less than appreciative comment on a woman.
-"(do you want to) Wake up with a crowd around you?" = "Do you want to have a go big man? huh? do you??" An invitation to engage in fisticuffs and get properly out knocked.
-"(to) Wreck someone’s bonce" = to get on someone’s top bollix, to do their head in.
-XXX = signatory "love and kisses" sign-off. Or, alternatively, hardcore porn.
-"Young Wan" = young woman.
-"Your man" = anyone really, anyone -except your actual man. He who is being talked about, the man on the street, etc..



Excerpt from "You Know Yourself 2.0"-Uma o'Gil. For any comment, here is a contact email: loig7san "at" gmail.com -peace, yo'all!