xc'rpt from "You Know Yourself 2.0" copyright UmaUma -with the usual proviso: subject to (yet another) revision / the setting: Alliance Francaise in Dublin, the time: around 2008.
A cheery poster catches my attention.
"Discover the fascinating world of the French, in all of its vibrant complexity and enriching magnitude!"
"Look at them, the French natives..." (photo of a French native) "they certainly are a queer kettle of fish, aren't they? They can't pronounce their aitches but add them everywhere, they eat frogs and snails, they play with flair but give up at the earliest opportunity, and when they're not on strike, they're after taking a siesta!!" (cartoon of a bed sprouting "ZZZZzzzs" in the air) "Now scratch beyond the surface, look beyond the cover, and ask yourself: are the French actually worth knowing? The answer is "Yes"! A thousand oui!
Take this French you may have just encountered around the corner, all lips curled and shoulders a-shrugging, everyone's natural reaction would be to flee and delouse but non, non, non, that would be wrong. That would indicate poor judgement on your part (and probably be offensive, all things being equal). Non, our advice is: don't be alarmed. Don't be phoning "Talk To Joe" just yet. Maybe this is all a misundestanding, maybe this is just a case of cultural -yes, cultural (!!)- differences...
Let's apprehend the situation in a rational manner. So here you are, faced with a French that is starting to make noises. Don't panic, assess the situation calmly. Maybe he -or she- is trying to impart knowledge of some sort? Maybe he -or she- is simply happy to see you? Does he wag his tail? (Ha ha, only kidding -it might be a she.) Look him -or her- in the eye and breathe slowly -now no brisk movement here, this might set them off-, observe the French and take note. Is he -or she- responding to your friendly behaviour and reciprocating eye-contact, or are the auld shoulders still rotating? For all you know, this may constitute normal conduct in France when awakening... Or else this French may genuinely be inebriated. True that, true, well within the realms of possibility.
Seriously though, think about it: could it be this French -who is now presumably standing up and squaring up to you, crab-legged, in typical Gallic stance-, could it be he -or she- is after all... not so different from you! Could it?? Admittedly, yes, this may come as a bombshell to some and an affront to good Fenian manners, but do bear with us and chew this over for a while. ... Now then. See? There's got to be some truth in it, isn't there got? Here is what we suggest: for all you know, yous two may have more in common than you previously imagined! For real!! Or at least we, at the Alliance, like to think so (otherwise, what a complete waste of our lives this has been... but let's not go there, oh no).
For sure, he -or she- will differ in a few minor details here and there, but you can't expect everyone to be the same. The real question is: should these details actually matter? Leaving aside the baffling accent and infinitely more stylish clothes, wouldn't you accept our daring proposition: this French you're exposed to may not, in fact, be so different from your good self... Have a heart. Doesn't he -or she- deserve to be treated with the same respect you would grant anybody in the country (even Limerick)?
So just relax. Try not to look tense or apprehensive when approaching a French: this is sending the worst possible kind of signal as he -or she- can smell fear, even beyond its surrounding cloud of perfume. Mock not the French. Engage with them via careful eye-contact; this is not the London Tube, so this conduct is perfectly acceptable. You may then attempt a friendly gesture such as waving your arm -not too vigorously though. Chances are the French may recognise your intention and will respond accordingly -note of warning here: this may entail kissing. Congratulations: you've overcome the first hurdle!
Now for the noise emitted by this hypothetical French. Bear this in mind, and this will spare you sweats of anguish: just because this lot sounds to your refined Gaelic ear like they are engaged in shouting or cursing you does not necessarily mean they are. In fact, their incomprehensible ejaculations may not even denote aggression -Oh no, this is just the French way of communicating! So don't be reaching for the mace just yet.
Part deux: Welcome To France.
Welcome to France" (map of France) "where the weather is famously grand, 365 days sunny, and where the girls are pretty -"Heureux days!" one is tempted to say (LOL!!!). France, where the houses come up with prices so low, so ridiculous ...they are literally begging to get snapped off indigenous hands! It's a win-win situation and no mistake, so heed the call, you cunning investor, and go East, help yourself to one, or two, or three -who's counting after all! Expand your portfolio and get in there before the Brits nab all the good ones. There may not be any French word for "entrepreneur", but the future is bright -and it's right up for grabs! Noted commentators say: be investing in the true land of opportunity the other side of the Irish sea, and secure yourself the dream cottage that you've always, er, dreamed of; it's easy to find: right under the sun. Only requiring a minimum amount of touch-up here and there (maybe a lick of paint or two), your very own retreat awaits your pleasure and is totally languishing after you, so don't be scared now, don't fret -go right ahead! Tackle the French by the horns!
Why wait when you can put one over your neighbours? They'll be fuming when they hear about your good fortune! Don't be phoning your Mammy in the middle of "Father Ted" just to tell her about your encounter with a French, jump straight into the world-famous Je Ne Sais Quoi lifestyle and enjoy! Try some nice Beaujolais instead of beer, tuck into cooked meat for a change, and remember: interacting with the French doesn't have to be a chore :-(
-after all, we're not English! :-)
Ourselves at the Alliance Francaise are on hand to help you achieve your dream, we love to help! So come on in, sample the legendary French sense of hospitality, its easy manners and famed politeness, and sign up for our StartUpQwikLern (TM) series of up freshening language courses! Anyone can apply -even Culchies. After a mere couple of lessons with our legally registered tutors (all criminal records vetted and local sex offender registries duly notified of our teachers' whereabouts), you too will soon be able to converse almost fluently with René the jovial postman and Renée the fat butcher. "Sacrebléu! Merde alors mon ami!""
