Baldie with tattoos all over the place: "Oi! Geezer! Whass gain' on? Cahm' ere!"
Other baldie: "You wot? Whazzthat you want? Want some? Huh? Huh? Whatcha sayin'?"
First baldie: "Oi! Ain't meant nuffink, bruv'"
Second: "Dunnit."
First baldie: "Aincha!"
Second: "Watchit!"
First one: "Innit."
Second: "Tell you wot tho…, I’ll ‘av a butcher’s, see if I can find it –Nah less go dahrn the pub!"
Second: "Too fackin' right we will! Watch me!"
Builder: "Blahdy 'ell mate... Can't even have a bo''le of min'ral in peace these days! You ‘ave a blahdy cheek, queshioning me on me tea break! ‘hoo do you think you are? So what if I luv' me old Mum -godda problem with that??"
Lady coming out of launderette, smoking: "Oi! You, yes you! That's no praper way 'talk to your bruvver! Show some fackin' res-peck will ya! Fat cahnt. (I'll tell you wot, some people 'ere -they ain't half taking liberties dunn' they!)"
Red faced publican on a fag break: "Ah leave it aht now! Knock it on thee 'ead son! He ain't worf it!"
Passing Jamaican: "Gotcha! They juss' aving a larf, ain't they?"
Lady eating chips and jellied eels in the caf', smoking: "Kids messin' about, innit?"
Old lady selling DVDs out of a suitcase: "Wouldn’t ‘ave been allowed in them days, when Reggie 'n Ronnie woz around..."
Up pops young man in tracksuit and trainers: "Never 'urt but their ahrn!"
Car dealer round the corner: "Luved their muvver"
Old lady, lighting up: "and you could leave yer door open -Take the Queen Muvver, ya cahnt: deserves every penny she gets! Gawd bless 'er!"
Unemployed single mother: "And luvs 'er G’nT, dunnshe? Praper class, aintsha!"
Alcoholic bum: "Always 'as a smile for everyone, a little wave..."
Ray Winstone, passing by: "Sweet... Who's the Daddy then?"
Unemployed single mother: "Nan of yer fackin' business!"
Fat man slaps hand on Scotsman's shoulder: "You're nicked, sunshine!"
Wife beater: "Cripes! The rozzers! It's a fair cop."
Fat man takes hand off cautiously, surveys it and wipes it on his trousers.
Unidentified character: "Top of the morning, to be sure"
Paper boy in flatcap: "'Ammers for the Cup! Who are ya? Who are ya?"
Asian street trader: "Cor, blimey"
Jamaican: "Strike a light, guv"
Asian street trader: "...if that bird ain't a right piece of skirt"
Young woman -for it is she- pushing a pram, smoking: "Oi! You watch yer mahrth! Show some manners wantcha -we 'got some fackin' kids liss'nin', avn' I!"
Jamaican, laughing: "Ha ha, you’s just been told my son!"
Credible gay character, on his way -sorry: on 'is way- to The Bucket Of Blood: "Praper naughty! Too fackin' right, me old china!"
Man in tinted shades, sheepskin: "Me old mo'or for sale, picture of 'ealth: twin engine, chrome plated plates, drives like a beauty -yars for a donkey! Cahm' on! I'm slashing me own throat 'ere!"
Unemployed barber: "Is all you 'got? Ain't got nuffin' else?"
Man in tinted shades: "Whazzat you ‘after? This is Lahrndahrn Tahrn son: I 'got it all! Luverly jubberly! Genuine Champers -bottled in Barking! Gold rings, gold medallions, gold knackledasters -three for a fiiiver!"
Fat man in suit: "Need to see a man abaht a dawg"
Kid with earrings: "Sorted!"
Grandmother, smoking: "Ssssafe."
Indian grocerer: "Stone the crows aincha dunnit innit Sid James me old mugger watchit Babs Windsor you slaaag blimey knahck me dahrn geezer bird you cahnt chim chimeney who are ya who are ya too fackin right hell's bells wonncha!"
Gentle narrator employed to give the moral of the story at the end of every episode: "And so I say... why don't we all less go dahrn the pub ‘hen?"
Ah yes, they inhabit a strange world in "EastEnders"... a strange world with totally arcane topics of conversation, dead incomprehensible to someone’s admittedly refined ears. It's true though: these Albert Square residents, they never –like- discuss Bertie’s latest financial oddities -he must be loving it, being given a break from these pesky financial auditors! The Old Vic has to be the only pub whose regulars never sounded much bothered by the new Civil War debate -namely: did Roy Keane walk out on his country or did he not? It is the one place where the very existence of Glenda Gilson has gone unnoticed. ...Truly we are baffled.
(to be continued)
